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Kimjongunism: An ideology so new Gwyneth Paltrow hasn’t adopted it yet

Updated: Nov 28, 2021



It’s another of those handy Newsbiscuit guides.


Kim Jong Un


He has an ism. Not many World Leaders have an ism. That’s very special to have an ism bestowed upon oneself, even if it has been bestowed by oneself. Now Kimjongunism can be added to narcissism, feudalism, and totalitarianism.


Education


Life is a full-time education, beginning early in the morning with daily worship before an oversized photo of the Great Leader. Candles optional but they are a nice touch. Kimjongunism is the only lesson. History? There is none. Geography? There is nothingness outside North Korea. Maths? Only if you count the infinite blessings bestowed upon you. Forget them, you are the only subjects that matter. Adhere to His teachings and you won’t get detention, or, as it’s more commonly known, summary execution.


Provider


Under the generous benevolence of this great philanthropist, you will lack for nothing. A roof over your head, albeit with eaves dropping, clothes on your back, of uniform size, and food on your table. There is no grain of truth in rumours of food shortages. Just eat your shoe leather and stop belly-aching.


Prowess


Nobody can surpass the sporting achievements of The Great Leader. A winner of every sporting competition ever held in North Korea. A man who can shoot a bow fifty metres at a moving target pinned to the back of a dissident, whilst riding bareback and signing death warrants for his nearest and dearest. Also, World Keepie-Uppie Champion, and we’re not talking football, Ladies.


Deference


Bow down before the one and only Great Leader. Ignore any who have gone before claiming that title. Remove their photos, paintings and statues. Revere only one man now. Talking about my veneration. With Kim Jong Un you can taste the deference.






Ref’s vanishing spray is whipped cream, claims Webb



FIFA super-ref and occasional Manchester United squad member Howard Webb has revealed the new ‘vanishing spray’ he has been issued with for this year’s World Cup to help make free kicks fairer, is indistinguishable from whipped cream, and just as tasty.


‘I’ve been sent ten cans of the stuff, and my three kids love it on donuts, while my wife and I enjoy it immensely on a cup of hot chocolate. So far with no ill effects - except that now, everyone keeps ten yards away from me,’ he quipped.


Apart from being delicious, use of the spray has attracted some controversy, after Japanese referee Yuichi Nishimura used it to draw a number of penises on the Sao Paulo pitch at various points during the Brazil-Croatia game.


Nishimura faces disciplinary action if, as some have suggested, a dreadful late sliding challenge from a Croatian defender on Neymar was influenced by him writing ‘Kick me’ on the Brazilian’s back, 15 seconds before.



Conservatives mistakenly vote to 'review' the body which might find them guilty of their misdeeds

Updated: Nov 26, 2021



The last barely functioning thing vaguely still working in the UK has been placed under review for a damn good dismantling. The standards committee which probes unseemly probing by members has itself been probed by Conservative MPs, including a number who are themselves under 'probation' by that very committee.


Roughly one quarter of MPs who voted for fewer standards have themselves previously been found guilty by the committee of skullduggery above and beyond the call of duty. Which begs the question: Only a quarter of them?


When a Prime Minister goes to the lengths of unsuspending an MP or two who the standards committee currently deem too dubious to be in public office, and does so for the specific purpose that they vote against the standards committee, then the stench of the oxymoron rather stings the nostrils. Avoiding the danger of permanent deselection from their own constituencies is merely a happy bonus no one should worry their pretty little heads over.


Despite a three line whip being strictly imposed on Conservative MPs, a fact strenuously denied by BBC News, many rebels rebelliously abstained, meaning that the vote was more of a squeaker than rigged for.


A spokes-cad for the rebels pointed out, 'Well of course we had to rebel in that glorious and heroic way where we do absolutely nothing. I don't think colleagues and so-called friends on our side of the aisle properly understand the mistake here. Our current leader and his Cabinet are so utterly hapless that there is a very real danger they hamfistedly and unintentionally create a replacement for the standards committee which accidentally has teeth.'


'Can you imagine what would happen? That would leave us all on a rather sticky wicket of our own making. And without any chums to bail each other out by insisting we are 'good eggs', we'd all be caught with our trousers down and our fondlers in the 'on the take' jar. No, far better to have a committee which only catches some of us out some of the time. We know where we stand with that and how to completely get away with it.'






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