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‘Invading Iraq was Lionel’s idea’ reveals younger brother Tony

Updated: Dec 16, 2021



Lionel Blair was responsible for the British decision in 2003 to invade Iraq, his younger brother Tony has announced. ‘I realise it was the most difficult decision my big brother had to make, apart from turning down a role in It ain’t Half Hot Mum’, the former Prime Minister confided.


‘Lionel and George (Bush) had formed a close relationship based on a shared interest in tap and jazz dancing and genocide,’ the New Labour veteran told a press conference. ‘I was busy working with George Brown on fiscal policy and with Una Stubbs on Give us a Clue at a difficult time when I didn’t have a clue at all.


Then Lionel came back from Washington having made the deal with George. I knew nothing about it till then. I remember it because it was the same night Una taught me how to do Three Men in a Boat with two hands, and just as I sat back exhausted the missiles landing in Baghdad came on the TV and Lionel shouted, ‘Ooh fireworks!’ which I thought was in bad taste.





Govt replaces Standards Committee with Pay-As-You-Go system

Updated: Nov 26, 2021



The government has answered accusations that it intended to do away with the MP standards system entirely, by outlining proposals for a new Pay-As-You-Go system designed to "streamline" the processing of MPs caught selling themselves to the highest bidder, or "going about their right honourable business" in the words of the proposals.


"The old system was simply dreadful" said government spokesperson Quentin Smythe, MP for Hemel Hempstead and Glaxo SmithKline. "A boring old committee just called witnesses, pored over the evidence, and made a decision. I mean honestly. Slow, inconvenient, and no chance to cross-question witnesses to find out whether their parents went to school with mine, or if they prefer brown envelopes or an online transfer to a Cayman Islands bank account. Dysfunctional, as you trendy PC types would say."


"So going forward we are going to have a modern, transparent system where there is a simple, published scale of commission percentages, that you'll be expected to pay towards the Palace of Westminster Xmas Party Fund, out of any chance donations from the business community that might happen to land in your pockets. 2% for the small fry under 50k, 1% for anything above that, and donate your air miles to the Xmas Party Venue Research Subcommittee - climate change be damned. Happy now?"






Criminals propose 'just scrapping' criminal justice system

Updated: Nov 26, 2021



Convicted criminals across the country have strongly suggested we should 'completely scrap' the criminal justice system.


Ben, who received a five year sentence just last week, is heading up the campaign: 'Its nothing to do with the fact I've just been convicted - that's complete pure coincidence. I've been thinking for ages we should just get rid of the criminal justice system entirely. I'm definitely right because all my mates agree. Pick-pocket-Paul backs me up, and so does Half-Inch-It-Ian. Whether I committed the crime or not is neither here nor there.'


Ben's mates have said they are 'horrified' at the current system which is 'fundamentally flawed' but couldn't really explain how. They are calling for Ben's immediate release and exoneration, saying that despite the mountain of evidence that he did commit a crime, scrapping the system entirely would override that.


This has prompted a number of other campaigns, with burglars unanimously voting to scrap security cameras, cyber criminals demanding we scrap firewalls and murderers proposing we scrap forensic pathologists.





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