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'When the government introduced the 14 units a week for alcohol in 1987 I thought it was a great idea,' said Carl, adding, 'because I'd often worried that I wasn't drinking enough. But the proposed system was obviously over-complicated. I prefer just 7 units, one per day,' he said. 'As usual the government was too stingy with the unit size - have they ever been on a bender, Covid excepted?' he asked. So I just used a bigger unit, you know, like a wheelbarrow' he said today.
Government records note that practically 100% of people recording their alcohol consumption claim is '14 units', and assume outliers like Carl claiming just 7 units is stopping the policy from being completely successful. However drinking buddy to Carl, Alan, claims that Carl is over-complicating the process. 'I just drink one unit a week. It's a bloody big unit, you know, like a shed, but at least I can keep track of it. At least until Friday evening when it gets a bit hazy,' he adds, joining the 99% of the population recording 14 units.
The NHS insists that drink related illness accounts for almost half of its workload, which given the amount of doctors, nurses and managers it employs is a good thing. 'If it wasn't for drunks, we'd have bugger all to do,' said a NHS spokesman, raising a glass, a bloody big glass, approximately one unit. 'Chin-chin.'
Image: WixAI
Team Britain is doing well so far in this year's Alcoholympics, popularly known as the Paralytic Games, where competitors have to be completely shit-faced but are usually fully able-bodied otherwise. Events include not only indoor games like darts, dominoes, quoits, pool, snooker, billiards, shove-ha'penny and skittles, as well as less athletic games like crib, poker, phat (for those from the Welsh Marches) and tens (for refugees from South wales) but also more fiercely competitive outdoor games out in the car park.
These slightly more aggressive games include oiyouspilledmypint, ourfootyteamisbetterthanyourfootyteam, and perhaps the most combative car-park game of all, areyoulookinatmybird, with its accompanying comeonthenifyouthinkyourehardenough variant. Major sponsors include Fullers, Greene King and Wetherspoons.
However the Paralytic Games are only just recovering for a major scandal of a few years ago when, amid much controversy, the Swiss team was banned following a drugs test in which the whole team were found to be completely free of any mind-altering substances whatsoever, not even alcohol. 'This was an outrage' complained one unsteadily-swaying British competitor 'The sneaky bastards were trying to gain a completely unfair advantage over the rest of the world's decent, respectable piss-heads'.
First published 9 Mar 2022
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