AI Briefing – the United Kingdom

The following briefing on the United Kingdom has been produced by generative AI and cross-checked with degenerative AI.   This technology is experimental.

The United Kingdom is an island nation in Northern Europe.   It has a diverse population because of an ancient habit of colonising other countries.   Mathematicians have proved that its coastline is infinitely long.

The UK has a royal family of German origin who own most of the wind farms and all of the sea and all of the swans.  In olden times, members of the royal family burnt cakes.   These days, they are more like to burn their reputations.

The land used to be owned by the gentry, but these days it is owned mostly by the National Trust, a charity devoted to banning fox hunting, and by shadowy offshore companies owned by shadowy oligarchs. Talking about property prices is a national obsession.

Military - once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Education – once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Mineral wealth – the principle raw material available in the UK is recyclate – glass, plastic, newspapers, and nuclear waste. No value is extracted from these raw materials as they are sent to other countries for processing. The UK used to have a coal industry until the mining unions and Margaret Thatcher conspired together to bugger it up. The UK has huge deposits of shale oil, but is too wimpy to extract them. The UK used to have an oil industry until it was closed down because of climate change. Talking about the environment and climate change are national obsessions.

Transport – most of the important roads were built by the Romans, but they have not been well maintained since. Talking about potholes is a national obsession.

Environment – the country is temperate, with changeable weather. The inhabitants are largely intemperate. Talking about weather is a national obsession.

Sport – the country claims to have invented football (soccer), rugby, darts and football hooliganism.  And golf, croquet, bar billiards, Subbuteo and Scrabble.  It is a source of national shame that the national soccer team hasn’t won anything worth having since 1966.  Talking about football is a national obsession.  Everyone claims to understand the offside rule, but nobody really does.  The authoritative explanation is on a 50p coin and there is never one around when you need it.

Diet – the UK claims to have invented bread, beer, fish and chips, crisps, tea, and deep-fried Mars bars.  All of these claims are false. The culinary history of the UK is best described as stodgy. Talking about beer is a national obsession.

Politics – there is an awful lot of this in the UK, but none of it is any good.  Once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Image by Elias from Pixabay

US trade deal will require UK to accept horrible American food

The Government is edging closer to a trade deal with the US. The UK has accepted, in principle, that it will have to receive imports of various disgusting American food items.  It has also accepted that many UK citizens will probably ‘snarf them down’ like proper Yanks, with all that means for their health and hospital waiting lists.

One area of heated discussion has been soft drinks.  The US has insisted that the UK accepts a tenfold increase in imports of Dr Pepper, a disgustingly flavoured soft drink with no apparent merits whatsoever. The UK has said that it could accept this if the US, in return, accepts consignments of Irn-Bru and Vimto.   A stand-off over imports of Mountain Dew was resolved once the US team explained that it was spelt with a D, not a J.

Another difficult area has been chocolate.  The US is refusing to accept imports of Cadbury’s chocolate, which is made in Poland by an American company, on the grounds that it ‘tastes disgusting’.  The UK is refusing to accept imports of Hershey’s chocolate for exactly the same reason.  The US team was briefly interested in buying Creme Eggs, until they worked out that they were not an acceptable substitute for (increasingly scarce and expensive) hens eggs.

The US is also keen to send millions of American snack cakes to the UK – Twinkies and the like.   The UK is suspicious of any so-called food item that contains unnaturally white sludge in the middle, which raises concerns that they might have been chlorine washed, or irradiated.  And also any foods consisting entirely of glucose/fructose corn syrup and E numbers.   The UK is considering if exporting Mr Kipling’s exceedingly stodgy cakes to the US would be a suitable countermeasure.

However, all differences are expected to be settled soon, and the UK seems likely to accept whatever horrible food that the US can come up with.  This is because the UK government cannot be seen to influence what people eat, as this will be seen as the nanny state gone mad.  UK citizens have freedom of speech and the freedom to ruin their health with bad food choices.   Why else would we have the NHS?

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

New theme park in Bedford to celebrate the ‘Best of British'

Plans for the new theme park near Bedford have been exclusively leaked today to over thirty news outlets, for publicity reasons.

The park will celebrate Roger Bannister’s four-minute mile with a mile long path from the car park to the front gates.  Queues will be very long, but well-organised.   Waiting visitors will be entertained by morris dancers and mime artists, who will be set upon and chased away by football hooligans and right wing protestors.   In the British spirit of tolerance and acceptance, only the gays will actually be hurt.

Once inside, visitors can enjoy the Great British Food Zone, the Sport Zone, a therapeutic ‘Moan Zone’ and a truly unbelievable rollercoaster called the Trussinator.

The Food Zone will include all the usual British staples – pizza, curry, stir-fry, bar-b-q and tacos.   All the food will be served with precisely calibrated indifference, and will be horrendously overpriced.

The Sport Zone will celebrate the country’s athletic achievements in darts, bar billiards, the boat race (Britain are undisputed world champions), cribbage, bat and trap, the Eton wall game, marbles, tiddlywinks and real tennis. The History zone will celebrate our great sporting wins such as the 1966 World Cup, Virginia Wade’s 1977 Wimbledon win, and the Battle of Hastings.

Daily shows will feature re-enactments of the miners’ strike, with visitors able to join in with the miners or the police, as they choose.

Other attractions will include the museum of Great British Engineering, with displays about Offa’s Dyke, Hadrian’s Wall, the Mini Metro and the Dyson hand drier.

The biggest and most popular attraction will be the Trussinator, a scary roller-coaster that takes visitors for a ride before letting them down at the end.  Visitors will be able to pay £10 to avoid being photographed with Liz Truss.  The attraction will be open for 49 days each year.

Construction work is due to be completed by 2031, and the grand opening has therefore been booked in for 2037.

Image: Pixabay/aykapog