Musk 'absolutely not going to big-up crypto, no way. Well, maybe a little bit..'

Elon Musk will not use twitter to push his crypto holdings up to, say, a cool $60 billion dollars, it was confirmed today. 'Look man, the whole crypto story is fake news' said Mr Musk. 'Why would anyone risk $44billion to make a few bucks? I just want the world to use my filter. Oh, also, did I mention we're launching TeslaCoin next week? Very reasonable, get 'em while they're hot. Thought you might like to know.'

Twitter representatives were unavailable to answer questions, but released the following statement. 'We're busy right now blocking tweets about Tesla supplying the CIA with autonomous spy seagulls' .

Elon Musk buys Twitter to promote his stand up comedy routine

Twitter launches bid to buy Elon Musk

The owners of online pub car park, Twitter, have taken a break from egging on fights between punters to launch a whip round to buy celebrity entrepreneur Elon Musk, to add to their collection of freakshow exhibits.

Twitter's Board of Directors announced yesterday that they had raised $132bn from the tips jar and the condom machine in the gents, which should be enough to buy most of his body and remaining hair, but leaving out his genitals, nostrils and brain 'for obvious reasons'. They say this amounts to 'a controlling 71% stake in Mr Musk', although whether they intend to place an actual stake in him has not yet been confirmed.

Meanwhile, Mr Musk is believed to be launching a counter-bid for Twitter. This leaves open the possibility that Twitter and Musk might takeover each other. Experts fear the resulting critical mass of bullshit could lead to an explosion polluting the entire planet with micro particles of fake news, aka tweets. But hope remains, as it seems that Mr Musk thinks he can pay for Twitter in the only thing less stable than his personality: bitcoin.

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