ITV 2 in highbrow archaeology show shock

Media experts have been left reeling today after ITV 2 announced it is to commission and broadcast a new show that will examine famous archaeological sites and what we learnt from them.

A channel spokesman said: ‘We thought we'd try something a little different as an experiment. Some say it’s time to spread our wings and grow up as a broadcaster.’

But twenty something couple Jayden and Shaneece Reece from Tooting aren’t happy at the prospect of watching a programme that's neither a docusoap nor "reality" show on their channel of choice.

‘We like fings like TOWIE and Made in Chelsea, yeah? We don’t know naffink about Egyptian mummies and old Romans ruins, and that,’ said Shaneece. ‘Although if the show’s makers could guarantee lots of tits and bums somehow and maybe introduce a phone-in voting system I’d be up for giving it a go,’ added Jayden.

However ITV 2 has been quick to reassure its core audience the normal torrent of tasteless and tawdry shite will still make up 99.99% of the channels output.

'I can assure our viewers that we are not about to go all arty-farty and highbrow on them. This is something we are trying, just to ring the changes and maybe help keep Ofcom at bay,' said the spokesman.

'In addition to the new archaeology show we have commissioned a new 8-part series in the Autumn called, When Cock Enlargements and Arse Implants Go Wrong, scheduled to hit the screens in the run up to Christmas.'

Snooker game ‘fixed to make it interesting’

Two snooker players were today banned from the game for life after evidence emerged that they had conspired to make their match interesting.

The head of The World Snooker Federation, Barry Lynton, said: 'We have taken disciplinary action against Stephen 'The Bore from Saddlemore' Dee and Stephen 'Less exciting than Sidcup' Mee, after we found overwhelming evidence that they had been paid a considerable amount of money by a mysterious gang, known only as The Audience, to make their recent match interesting.

'We were first made aware of this situation when we had complaints from viewers that they were unable to sleep through a match which was being broadcast at 10.30 pm. Having watched a recording of it, we found our attention rivetted by the clever play, the unusual tactics and the unexpected twists and turns in the match. We therefore have no choice but to ban these played from playing snooker for the rest of their lives.'

A spokesman for the players, Stephen 'The Doze from Montrose' Tee, said: 'Wake me up when it's all over.'

Family actually prefer my armchair Olympic commentaries, says Dad

A man has claimed that his wife and three children actually prefer the expert analysis that he is delivering throughout the Olympics, compared to the official BBC commentaries provided by ex-gold medallists and broadcasters with years of experience.

Pete Mcbride, 47, has been delivering haiku style summaries of every Olympic performer from his Laz-E-Boy recliner since the early hours of Saturday morning, ranging from the gymnastics floor event ('he pulled out of that planche to handstand there') to tae-kwon do ('that's surely got to be a gam-jeon'?.'

'I think the family likes to know what's going on - the official commentators just seem to miss some of key kernels of insight', said McBride, with one eye on the Men's triathlon. 'I see my role as a kind of public information service....oh, that's a sloppy transition from the bike from the Ukrainian there - that's going to cost him'.

'Lots of splash on entry there', continued McBride, making the exact same point for at least the 20th time on the synchronised diving event. 'The difficulty rating was high, but the judges have been panning them on different rotation speeds'.

'By day 5, me and the three kids now know for sure that its a balance between difficulty level and execution in a lot of events, that the third 500 metres in rowing races are key, that the Cubans have a rich pedigree in boxing, and that getting a 10 in the archery is 'definitely top drawer', said a weary Sarah McBride, Pete's wife. 'I don't think we can take any more'.

'The family look to be 'in the red' already in terms of stamina', summarised McBride excitedly. 'They'll need to dig deep if they've any hope of making it through to finals day with me. Otherwise, they'll unfortunately go into the repecharge'

Image: mohamed_hassan/Pixabay