Samaritans.Org calls on TV producers to stop commissioning dark psychological serials

Samaritans.org has made an urgent plea to television drama producers, begging them to stop commissioning dark and gritty psychological police serials. In particular, singling out absolutely anything set in Scandinavia.

A spokesman for the charity said: ‘Nordic Noir often sees us completely inundated, sometimes handling upwards of three hundred calls every minute. Our phone lines go into meltdown. But it's not only this genre. During ITV's recent UK-based Trigger Point, its preposterous script and wooden acting had the nation so traumatised that we even had reports of our own call centre staff having to ring in for counselling.’

Student Masterchef, Episode One.

Andi Oliver (for it is she) meets the chefs.

AO: Hello, Gareth. What are you preparing for us tonight?

Gareth: A classic with a twist, Andi. Haricots sur pain grillé avec doigts de poisson.

AO (fanning herself): Interesting combination!

Gareth: Yes a mixture of taste and texture.

AO: Sounds like a winner. Now Darren what have you to offer?

Darren: Reheated Kebab de la nuit dernière soused in Henderson Relish.

AO: Fine local produce. Kylie?

Kylie: Granola moins lait avec céleri.

AO: A rather spartan meal idea there, Kylie.

Kylie: S'all I can afford.

AO: Finally, Geoffrey?

Geoffrey: Loin of Greg Wallace cooked sous vide, marinated in his own piss.

AO: Tangy. Well, chefs start cooking

Image: Pixabay/planet_fox

Zorro enlists in Russian Army

Masked-man and 1960s vigilante hero Zorro has enlisted with the Russian army for the war in Ukraine.

"I spent my life fighting bad guys, but I've been out if work for some time, so I thought I'd give something different a try," said the nonagenarian who suffers from mild dementia, speaking to war reporters on the outskirts of Mariupol.

"There have been loads of hero movies since my US TV shows in the 60s, but only one Zorro movie remake, and it didn't turn into a franchise like I'd hoped with figurines and stuff, so I'd pretty much hung up my spurs and been forgotten about.

"But then I saw the Russian troops all carried a 'Z' on their tanks. 'The mark of Zorro'. It was like the bat-signal for me. I knew exactly what they were saying. They wanted my help and I came at a gallop.

"I don't know much about hypobaric or surface to air missiles. I'm more of a cold steel rapier kind a guy, but I reckon I'll have the Ukrainians rounded up quicker than a 30 minute episode and be ready to ride out of Kyiv with a damsel I free along the way, all before the credits roll."

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