Special episode of Little Britain to feature Badenoch & Jenrick

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TV gang bosses will definitely have quirky hobbies, writers confirm

The nasty head of a criminal gang in a 6 part TV drama is inevitably going to have an unusual and quirky pastime that you wouldn't expect him to have at all, scriptwriters have confirmed. 

The evil gangland boss, responsible for importing billions of pounds and drugs and causing misery and death across inner cities through a complex network of dealers, enforcers and hitmen, will invariably enjoy pruning roses in his garden, playing indoor bowls in his village hall, or clumsily trying to learn a new foreign language on Duolingo. 

'Us mafia and gang bosses may all look really, really hard, but actually we're just like you', said Mike 'Fingers' McBride, of a well-known Manchester drugs cartel.

 'There's nothing I like more of an evening than reading a bit of Tennyson, and going on my PC to build a new playroom in the made-up house I've constructed on The Sims 4. That's after I've ripped a few toes off some low life snitch with a pair of pliers. Got to get the day job done first, of course.'

'Times are changing, and we have to change with them', admitted veteran crime drama scriptwriter Daisy McDaid. 'Viewers want to see a nicely rounded drug baron. Going forward, all crime dramas will be expected to give at least 20% of screen time to the development of your gang leader's soft skills and hobbies. Trips to see Les Mis at the theatre, doing jigsaws at home, collecting those little ornaments you see advertised in the Radio Times, that kind of stuff'. 

'The exception will be Vera', continued McDaid.  'Here, all gangland bosses will continue to be unreformed hard bastards who drink a lot of whisky, usually played by that really sinister looking old guy, whose accent you can't quite pin down, but is probably Scottish.'  

Picture credit: Wix AI

Supervet Storm: 'Your cat craps in your neighbour's garden deliberately.'

TV Supervet, Sean Flaherty, has ruffled the fur of the nation's cat lovers by insisting their beloved moggies are 'sly, sneaky, self-centred little feckers that love to shit in your neighbour's flowerbeds just for the craic.'

'Cats are genetically programmed with an inbuilt sense of malice,' explains Flaherty, 'only responding to humans when their owners stand banging a can of cat food with a spoon, shouting the cat’s name in some stupid high-pitched voice they imagine is endearing.

'But once they have eaten the food, with no more to gain by even so much as acknowledging anyone’s existence, they pull the drawbridge up. Arrogant bastards. That's what they are.

'They fully understand the minefield of inter-neighbour politics and really get off on upsetting this dynamic by never shitting on their own doorsteps, but by doing their business on next door's instead.'

We spoke to Tiddles, one malicious moggy who purred, 'I love the buzz of getting my owner into trouble, by pissing in anyone else's garden but his, for example.

'Last week I caused quite a scene when he came out shouting the odds at the new next-door neighbour who had tried to shoot me with a BB gun after I shat all over then dug up his prize geraniums.

'How was I to know the neighbour is a professional wrestler and would end up knocking seven bells out of my poor ickle-wickle owner?'

Picture credit: Wix AI