06:00 – Pages from Ceefax
An historical collection of low-res articles and holiday offers from before everything went to shite. Press [green] to reveal why your chronic nostalgia is out of control and you need professional help.
07:30 – The Noman
Update of the Raymond Briggs classic brought up-to-date by taking into account the growing effects of global warming. A young boy awakes on Christmas Day to find the contents of the local river in his back garden.
08:00 – BBC Breakfast
Round up of festive news stories plus a cringey interview where Charlie Stayt asks genuine yet naïve questions about a mainstream event or pastime he has never heard of.
09:00 – Greg Wallace kneads some big fat Xmas puddings
Don’t get yer Snickers in a mist dear, the program title is only a joke! Honestly, you can’t say anything these days can you? It’s because I was poor, isn’t it? Oh won’t you look at my p3nis?
11:00 – Annual Shrieking Contest from St Paul’s
Join the latest Aled Jones wanna-a-bes as they trade their souls for five minutes in the limelight in return for a severe beating and sustained bullying programme when they return to school.
12:00 – Only Fools and Horses: The Next Generation
A naively commissioned and classic-ruining rehash that follows Del, Rodders and Albert seeking to reclaim the fortune that they lost after recovering it in the last rehash about them losing the original fortune, with help from Dr Who.
13:30 – The Thrashing of Prince Andrew
No King’s speech this year but be sure to tune in as the disgraced Prince gets a 15 minute head start before His Majesty the King pursues him through the Sandringham estate with hounds and a selection of whipping equipment. Sponsored by Huwawei.
14:30 – The Hobbit 5
A mysterious witch sends Dungo Baggins on a quest for a magic necklace, hidden in a giant’s volcano. Second part of a £10 Million adaptation of the binned notes for the unwritten appendices of Tolkien’s brother’s first draft of an unpublished novella.
17:30 – In the dock of the Pops
Nostalgic look back at some of the greatest festive hits with all suspected or proven abusers digitally removed and replaced with a CGI avatar of MR Blobby.
18:30 – Blackadder’s Christmas Goose-Chase
David Baddiel talks us through the ‘funniest bits’ of last year’s show when Frank Skinner was discussing his ‘most hilarious moments’ from the previous year’s show which featured Ben Elton talking about his favourite bits in Black Adder. Sadly contains no actual Blackadder material, though mercifully the three of them are punched in the face by Rowan Aktinson at the end.
19:30 – Very Strictly Come Dancing
Endurance show where dance contestants see if they can publicly hold their shit together after months of gruelling and belittling punishment at the BBCs dance / prison camp. A phone vote this year will determine who gets six months in solitary.
19:59 – Everybody hates James Corden
Not a program, just a reminder.
20:00 – The Chronicles of Narnia
This cherished BBC classic hasn’t aged as well as you might think. Worse than a Sixth Form play where the performers are drunk but you are not. Special effects provided by pressing on your eyelids too hard for a few minutes.
21:00 – Wallace & Gromit’s Unwanted Christmas Clips
One hour of stitched-together footage that was omitted from the various films because it was crap. Narrated by Sean Pertwee.
22:00 – News at 10
The latest bombings, murder and weather.
22:30 – Jurassic Park IX: Tyrannosaurus-Ex
Do not attempt to watch this without consuming at least three bottles of Baileys and the fairy lights.
00:00 – Shutdown and testcard
Congratulations, you made it through another year and another TV lobotomy. We hope you’re pleased with yourself.
