Tory election campaign wins Turner Prize

The Turner Prize panel has announced that the Conservative Election Campaign is the 2024 winner of the Turner Prize.

'This is a stunning mix media piece.' read a statement on behalf of the panel's chair, Alex Farquharson, written on the back of a Tory election leaflet. 'Such a brave combination of rainwater, pork pies and excreta that presents a deception that is so transparent that it deceives no-one.'

The awarding of the prize has caused controversy after the piece's creator, Rishi Sunak, issued a counter-statement protesting against the award.

'The point of the piece is to lose; by naming it a 'winner' means that the artwork has failed. But, by failing, it has achieved it's aim of losing. Hang on a minute, this is getting a bit confusing; if I refuse the prize, can I keep the money?'

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Thérèse Coffey links to "big turnip" revealed

It's been revealed that environment secretary, Thérèse Coffey, has shares in InterTurnip, a massive international conglomerate of turnip farmers spread across 3 continents.

InterTurnip have been accused of feeding the turnip addiction widely found in East Anglian regions with individual turnips changing hands on the street for as much as 20p each.

Social worker, Deirdre Jenkins of Clacton explained the issues; 'I know the kids in the area, I've lived on the same estates and I can confirm they're all bell-ends addicted to glue, cocaine and turnips. So encouraging people to eat turnips, which will raise the values of her shares, is outrageous.'

Thérèse Coffey has admitted that she doesn't eat turnips herself because of cannibalism laws.

Luxury flat owner on toilet wins Turner Prize

The owner of a luxury apartment overlooked by Tate Modern has spoken of her shock and delight at winning this year’s Turner prize. Poppy Tamara Bullion, a haute couture fashion designer, was unaware she had been nominated for the accolade, or that going to the toilet fell under the category of performance art.

Ms Bullion announced on social media - ‘Hi guys. So excited to have won the Turner prize. I produce some of my best work when I’m sitting on the toilet. A big shout out to all the art critics who stand on the viewing platform in dirty raincoats, come rain or shine.’

Grayson Perry, one of this year’s judges, praised Ms Bullion’s work.

‘She goes beyond using the toilet as a utilitarian process and opens up the medium to thousands of ordinary working class people. She is saying – look at me, I’m rich and privileged but I go to the toilet like everyone else. It’s political without being ideological.’

The Saatchi Gallery has snapped up Ms Bullion’s toilet and exercise bike for an undisclosed sum. Ms Bullion announced on social media - ‘Hi guys. So excited to have sold my toilet and exercise bike for an undisclosed sum.’

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