New evidence has emerged that the image of a face on the controversial Turin Shroud could really be that of Margaret Thatcher - a deranged prophet who Tories across Britain consider to be the nation's saviour.
"Scientists in Italy have used X-ray technology to determine the shroud's age and say it dates back to the time of Christ, but we say that's sacrilege," said a journalist for the Conservative Herald, the in-house magazine of the Church of Thatch.
"I had a dream the other night in which the apostle Kemi Bad-Enoch testified to me that the shroud is actually a linen tea towel purchased in Grantham in the Dark Ages (i.e. the 1930s) and that the Conservative cabinet wrapped Margaret's remains in it after crucifying her in 1990."
Margaret Thatcher roamed the UK in the late 1970s and the 1980s preaching the words of her father, Alderman Roberts, who she considered to be divine - until everyone got heartily sick of her and exiled her to the Ritz.
"This sacred relic ended up in Turin because it was bought by the fanatical conservative Silvio Berlusconi from a stall in Portobello Market," continued the journalist, "along with a hickory-shafted mashie niblick belonging to Denis of Arimathea and a small corsair parrot which started shrieking 'Rejoice! Rejoice!' at the start of the Falklands War and never shut up."
