Truss announces legalization of drugs "for higher earners"

Prime minister Liz Truss has announced that the full spectrum of recreational drugs will be legalized for anyone earning over 100,000 pounds a year.

The announcement, made at a late night social gathering of party members and key fundraisers, gained rapturous applause with current rebel-leader-in-chief Michael Gove described as applauding almost "manically" while waving around two glowsticks.

Under further questioning today on the policy, when asked what legalizing cocaine would do to help Britain's economy Liz Truss pointed out that the average family would only pay 2500 pounds for a gas bill. When pressed on how this would actually help the poorer classes she pointed out that if the poor wanted drugs all they had to do was go to prison, where they would be bound to find some for sale.

Kwasi Kwarteng emphasized the importance of the policy by pointing out that if rich people bought so many drugs they just couldn't take them all, then they might give a couple of lines to someone in the street, so the poor would benefit in the medium term.

Story: RichT

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UK wonders if it's suffering from mass hallucination

Across the UK, many are having difficulty believing that what’s currently happening is real.

There’s a worldwide pandemic that we still haven’t seen the last of. There’s a war in Ukraine, which Putin started just to show how macho he is and prove he can’t possibly be gay, he just likes having photos taken with his top off. And to prove how sane he is, he’s also literally ‘gas-lighting’ Europe, by turning the gas off and on, probably cackling maniacally as he does so.

This year, an unprepared and un-air-conditioned UK has sweated through two 40˚C heatwaves, forcing us to realise that climate change isn’t something that only happens in David Attenborough documentaries.

We’ve endured ultimate omnishambles Boris Johnson as Prime Minister, consoling ourselves that surely, he was just a nightmare which couldn’t last. Then we woke up to the unbelievable reality of Liz Truss as PM, a woman whose brain has less power than a Poundland battery. Her one saving grace is that she can at least dress herself properly and use a hairbrush, unlike her predecessor who lumbered through his premiership looking like a roll of old loft insulation that had fallen out of a skip and been p*ssed on by foxes.

And now the Queen is dead. You don’t have to be a royalist to feel a sense of unreality and shock that she’s gone. Although most of us never met her, she was a constant presence throughout our lives. We saw her face every day on money and postage stamps. She was part of every Christmas, like the turkey dinner and family arguments. Now we have King Charles III as our monarch - a man who talks to plants, sells overpriced biscuits and thinks there is such a thing as 'left-over wine', which can be used to fuel a car. From now on, he’ll stutter and mumble on our TV screens every Christmas Day, and his face will be on the money – although with his ears and nose it’s hard to see how they’ll get it to fit, whichever way he faces.

As winter approaches, rocketing inflation means many will be unable to eat regularly or heat their homes, and even those who can afford to keep the lights on will be unable to because of power cuts. As we huddle together over a candle, surviving on food bank handouts, we must tell ourselves that surely this is just a fever dream, and we’ll wake up soon. Everything will be alright. This is Britain, after all.

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‘Desperate’ Limbo Contest sees Sunak and Truss Sinking to the Inevitable

Having sullied the seemingly unending summer with increasingly frantic promises to lower taxes, inflation, immigration, hopes, integrity and class, the Conservative leadership contenders have only one thing left to lower: their focus-grouped, aide-fluffed physical selves.

Giving the final two weeks of the contest a carnival air, ‘Leadership Limbo’ sees the rivals battling it out to wriggle under a hastily appropriated broom handle on Great Yarmouth beach, desultorily lowered by two slightly menacing ‘Kiddyland’ employees.

Setting a trademark low bar, Truss’s smirk of triumph at her awkward squirm was slightly compromised by the urgent need to spit out three nitrous oxide canisters and what aides quickly dismissed as ‘probably not a used condom’.

Sunak’s commitment to sinking even lower saw him forced to tearfully drag his coiffure through an impressive pile of beach donkey manure. This lost the former Mr Byrite Southampton 1996-8 all-important poise points, but garnered grudging applause from the excited crowd of confused pensioners and waterlogged migrants.

With all to play for, upcoming rounds can be seen on Sky channel Loss of Dignity 374 every night, alongside political let’s-party summer roadshow programming including Brexit Bonanza Bingo, Hook a Duckhouse, Shooting Rogues Gallery, Ghost Train A Few More Nurses, and Coconut Shy About The Actual Numbers.

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