Trump: 'Don't worry, I'm still a gold plated ar$ehole'

Donald Trump has responded to being shot at by labelling a possible second term in the White House as the Trump Supremacy and a third term as the Trump Ultimatum. 

On a hastily deleted Truth Social post, his little thumbs typed:

'I swatted away those bullets with only my fists and the American flag. True story. Perhaps the most important thing is that being shot at will give me a boost in the polls. So despite being an absolute gold plated ar$ehole, I might win the election and never have to face any consequences for any of my past crimes. And future crimes and I will be committing so many crimes.'

'Being shot in the ear is the perfect amount of being shot. I'm totally fine, yet somehow an invincible hero. We should not politicise this tragedy, which is all the fault of Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama.'

'Don't worry, I'm still a demented old racist, bent on using the American justice system to punish anyone I deem insufficiently loyal to me. I will still sexually assault women and then I will ban abortion. In a Trump Presidency, rape will no longer be a crime if you think she secretly wanted it.'

'I'm looking forward to being in President Putin's pocket, selling out Ukraine, Gaza and anywhere else, sucking up to despots and defeating democracy wherever it raises its ugly head.'

Image: Pixabay/heblo

Things that will make life worth living this summer

July 4th: Labour oust Tories in general election.

July 5th: 70% of British media start as they mean to go for the next five years, telling Starmer his administration is doomed.

July the Inevitableteenth: England crash out of Euro24. Riots breaks out in Hartlepool FC car park. Endless autopsies in media and saloon bars on the cold, dead corpse of English football.

July the Verysoonteeth: last of our great hopes trips over his or her racquet swiping hopelessly at an ace and crashes out of Wimbledon. Endless autopsies on the hardly ever breathing corpse of British tennis.

August Bank Holiday: Angela Rayner leads cavalry charge of disaffected trade unionists on donkeys on Blackpool beach, shouting "No Gods! No Starmers!" 100% of media endlessly repeat that Labour and the country are doomed.

July - September: England start thrilling chain of humiliating cricket defeats. Autopsies break out in media and long rooms across the nation on the pearly white corpse of English cricket.

Olympics: Team GB athletes finish seventh out of eight in almost every event. Surprise winner of the bronze in synchronised ludo is given a knighthood and elected leader of the Conservative Party. Later defects to Reform UK.

(This doesn't seem much to live for. You're fired - Ed)

November: Trump wins election and persuades UK government to make Farage ambassador to Washington. Farage leaves UK for the next several years.

(That's a bit more like it. I'll think about rehiring you - Ed)

Biden campaign leaves old folks’ home with wrong doddery old man

President Biden’s campaign for re-election suffered another setback today when it emerged that, after a campaign stop in an old folks’ home, his entourage left with the wrong doddery old man.

'Look, you can’t blame me” said an embarrassed aide. “They were dressed in the same comfortable leisurewear with stretch pants. And sure, the old man kept saying ‘Hey, let go of me, who the hell are you people…’ But so does Joe most days.

'It was only when he said his urine bag was full, and I thought ‘That's weird, we emptied it an hour ago’ that I realised our mistake.”

It’s thought this wasn’t the only embarrassment of the day, as witnesses report that Joe sat down next to a very frail old lady and said “Hello my dear, do you know who I am?” and she replied “I’m sorry dear, I don’t - but ask one of the nurses, she’ll tell you.”

Meanwhile, several bookshops report they’ve taken all their books alleging that it doesn’t matter who’s President because “the deep state” is really in charge out of the “dystopian fiction” section, and put them in a new section called “Please God let this be true”.