Biden campaign leaves old folks’ home with wrong doddery old man

President Biden’s campaign for re-election suffered another setback today when it emerged that, after a campaign stop in an old folks’ home, his entourage left with the wrong doddery old man.

'Look, you can’t blame me” said an embarrassed aide. “They were dressed in the same comfortable leisurewear with stretch pants. And sure, the old man kept saying ‘Hey, let go of me, who the hell are you people…’ But so does Joe most days.

'It was only when he said his urine bag was full, and I thought ‘That's weird, we emptied it an hour ago’ that I realised our mistake.”

It’s thought this wasn’t the only embarrassment of the day, as witnesses report that Joe sat down next to a very frail old lady and said “Hello my dear, do you know who I am?” and she replied “I’m sorry dear, I don’t - but ask one of the nurses, she’ll tell you.”

Meanwhile, several bookshops report they’ve taken all their books alleging that it doesn’t matter who’s President because “the deep state” is really in charge out of the “dystopian fiction” section, and put them in a new section called “Please God let this be true”.

Trump cleared to stand for Labour

Trump is to stand in North Islington, on a platform of corruption and bottom pinching. Many would think being a convicted felon would be a negative, but as one member of Labour's NEC said: 'He's a right-wing demagogue, with a criminal record as long as your arm, what's not to like?'

Labour's purge of left-wing MPs has opened up an opportunity for candidates more attune to party policy, such as the corpses of Margaret Thatcher and Jeffrey Epstein. Trump spoke of his excitement of turning Islington into a golf course, stripper bar combo.

Trump's lack of ethics has caused alarm in the Shadow Cabinet, due to plagiarism.

Asked if they felt Trump would change the party: 'He may struggle to match us for nepotism, but we are all on board with his idea to add 10ft to Hadrian's Wall. He even comes with a red tie.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Trump refuses to accept loss at World Snooker Championships

Snooker player Judd Trump, who was knocked out of the World Championships by Jak Jones in the quarter final, announced today that he refuses to accept this result.

”This is a sad day for snooker,” he told a rally of his crazed supporters, who were chanting “Stop the Steal!” over and over. “The scoring has been politicised. They’re trying to claim he won just because he won more frames than me, which he definitely didn’t.”

He then told his supporters they definitely shouldn’t storm the Crucible Theatre and grab the trophy for him, though visibly winking and holding up crossed fingers as he said it.

However, he may face bigger problems due to the ongoing allegations concerning snooker referee “Stormy” Bozhilova, to whom he is accused of paying hush money after she saw him cheat by moving a ball with his hand.

His case isn’t helped by audio that has emerged of him boasting that “You can do anything you want, stuff the balls in the pockets… they let you do it when you’re famous.”

photo: Photo by Mark Stuckey on Unsplash