Six assassins die in crossfire while trying to kill Trump

'We've had a hell of a time trying to piece this together,' Special Agent Dirk Dimly told reporters, mopping his brow with the end of his nylon tie. 'I mean, how the hell do you end up with six dead assassins littered around a golf course and a totally unscathed presidential candidate?

'We figure that Assassin A - a member of the Millennial Snowflakes Terror Army - took a shot at Candidate Trump from the grassy knoll on the fifth fairway, directly south-west of him, while the candidate was busy kicking his ball out of the rough.

'Assassin A narrowly missed Mr Trump but shot dead Assassin B, from Pacifist Students Islamic Jihad, who had been perched directly north-east of Mr Trump on another grassy knoll at the dogleg on the seventeenth.

'At precisely the same moment that Assassin A fired, Assassin B happened to loose off a burst of bullets from an Armalite.

'All these missed Trump but struck Assassin A, as well as Assassins C and D. They were members of the New Dworkin Shining Path Liberals Liberation Front and had been waiting in line behind Assassin A for their turn to fire.

'Assassin E, from the Militant Church of Latter Day Morons, had set up a mortar on yet another grassy knoll - to the south-east corner of the twelfth green - and took aim at Candidate Trump as he tossed his opponent's ball into a bunker.

'Wondering why the shell he had dropped down the barrel hadn't shot off, Assassin E peered inside. This resulted in his head and shoulders flying on a north-westerly axis over the candidate's head to a spot near the ninth tee, where Mr Trump's bodyguards were on a coffee break.

'Assassin F may have been an ordinary golfer and not an assassin at all, but the Secret Service shot him anyway when they saw him on a grassy knoll just above the eighteenth green. They suspected him of trying to plant a miniature white bomb in the hole by chipping it in there.

'We're now advising Candidate Trump to play on a golf course with fewer grassy knolls," said Special Agent Dimly. 'They're always riddled with goddamned assassins.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Sudan braces itself for a wave of refugees from the USA in a few months' time

As USA prepares for its forthcoming presidential election, many of its citizens are making plans to flee the country if the Second American Civil War breaks out, in the event that Trump fails to get elected, claims that the presidency has been stolen from him yet again and demands that his followers rise up in revolt and overthrow the corrupt regime which seeks to continue to block him from power.

Europe is unlikely to be swamped with American refugees, following the clamp-down on immigration in Britain and now also in Germany and soon almost certainly to be followed by most other European countries.  So Sudan is likely to be an alternative destination, with plenty of abandoned dwellings (albeit many in need of reconstruction) and borders lightly-guarded by the authorities who are currently somewhat distracted by a certain degree of constitutional, political and military disruption.

Image: geralt - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

'Gay penguins stole our election' claim Republicans

Nothing says 'bad loser' like a defeated Republican. That's why the Party of racist misogyny has already got its gay penguin ducks in a row.

'It's the button push of the century,' said campaign strategist Carlton Taylor. 'Nothing riles Republican voters like gay penguins, so that's who we're going to blame the election loss on this time.

'They'll be heading for the streets of DC in their pickups, tooled to the teeth like Clint Eastwood talking to an empty punk chair. And all we have to do is put the message out there that gay penguins stole their election.

'Ballot papers with the name Sphen on them are mocked up and ready to go. They're gonna rip through social media like Monkeypox through a chimp tea party.'

Image: Pixabay/u_z3u7n7e7