'Gay penguins stole our election' claim Republicans

Nothing says 'bad loser' like a defeated Republican. That's why the Party of racist misogyny has already got its gay penguin ducks in a row.

'It's the button push of the century,' said campaign strategist Carlton Taylor. 'Nothing riles Republican voters like gay penguins, so that's who we're going to blame the election loss on this time.

'They'll be heading for the streets of DC in their pickups, tooled to the teeth like Clint Eastwood talking to an empty punk chair. And all we have to do is put the message out there that gay penguins stole their election.

'Ballot papers with the name Sphen on them are mocked up and ready to go. They're gonna rip through social media like Monkeypox through a chimp tea party.'

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Counting votes is so old fashioned, we just go on vibes

Self-declared winner of the Venezuelan Presidential elections Nicolas Maduro has allegedly declared counting votes as 'old fashioned', 'too complicated' and 'booooring', adding that he had won the vote 'mainly on vibes', and noting that there’s no point stacking Venezuela’s National Electoral Council with close allies unless you can get the result you prefer.

A spokesperson added 'President Maduro has been practising his surprised face for when the result is whatever we need it to be. We look forward to definitely not imprisoning more of his political opponents. And definitely not fiddling the election receipts so it eventually looks legit when we finally allow people access.'

Addressing American criticism of the obvious fraud, the spokesperson responded by saying, 'Oh yeah, how’s it going having Donald Trump as a viable candidate in 2024, despite, you know, everything.'

image from pixabay

People's Democratic Republic of America flirts with concept of democracy

'Sure, why not?' said Secretary General Dick Traitorship. 'When we overthrow the evil Democrat leadership in a military coup by storming the Capitol Building and the White House, we will restore some form of free and fair election system.

'The main problem with democracy is the electorate. Despite all the evidence that their votes count for nothing, some people still can't stop themselves voting for a Democrat Dictatorship. They seriously fear freedom, which I know many will find hard to comprehend outside the People's Democratic Republic of America.

'It might sound ridiculous to some, perhaps even like a dangerous thing to say, but we need to be more open, fair and progressive. Like Russia, China and North Korea.

'We must continue to support and revere our Most Benevolent General Secretary of the Republican Party, Donald Jesus Trump. He will 'fix' everything, put an end to people ageing and dying, and instantly bring world peace. He is the only one who can lead a glorious revolution and install a Thousand Year Democracy in this great land.'

image from pixabay