Trump file on President Macron leaked

The FBI recently retrieved various documents from Donald Trump’s Florida residence, Mar-a-Lago. These included files on the French President, Emmanual Macron. Hackers claim to have accessed these files and have uploaded the contents on the website WackyLeaks.

Here is an extract from the top secret research – allegedly -

My notes on Emmanuel Girly Name Macron

1. He is named after a cake, who does that?

2. He has nice hair – must ask him about that

3. He likes to eat frog’s legs, but not frog balls or other frog parts

4. Doesn’t eat freedom fries

7. Likes wine – maybe take him some Californian Zinfandel?

5. His supporters wear yellow vests – must be a fashion thing

8. Submarines are a difficult subject. Don’t eat a ham and cheese sub in front of him.

9. Calls the English channel ‘the sleeve’ for some reason

10. Tough on asylum seekers - sends them all to the UK

9b. His party is called En Marche, which means In the Swamp

Image: flutie8211 | Pixabay

Trump loses everything on massive gamble with a straight flush

Despite having a small, yet unbeatable hand, Ronald Flump has somehow managed to grope defeat from right between the thighs of victory.

When you fire an FBI chief for doing his job and then personally install a wanky sock puppet who will cover up all of the shady stuff you have ever done and wish to carry on doing, and that wanky sock puppet can't protect you from yourself, then the Republican party faithful have a right to consider whether you are fit to be their sex pest of choice.

The mentor who taught Boris Johnson all of the moves to make when the doors come off the clown car, tried to flush incriminating evidence down a nearby toilet. What has really fried the imaginations of the greatest exponents of slapstick, is that having failed to do so, he tried again. On multiple occasions. With toply secret material. Even on visits to hostile nations. 'Why is this still not working? It always does in the cartoons.'

This innovative behaviour has even puzzled the internationally renowned incompetent Mr. Bean who mouthed the words, 'Why did he not use a shredder, and get his tie caught in it like this?'

Criminals demand prior notice of raids, arrests and stakeouts

American criminals are demanding at least 48 hours notice of any raids, arrests or stakeouts.

'How are we supposed to hide things if we don't get any notice?' asked a career criminal living in Florida believed to called Ronald Dump.

"Fingers" McGraw of New Jersey agreed. 'It would cut crime; I would never have stolen that car if I'd known the police were watching.'

Alex Jones agreed. 'If only I'd been warned that breaking the law was illegal, I wouldn't be in this mess.'