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The greatest economic miracle since someone discovered you could put avocado on toast has been revealed to be little more than the fiscal equivalent of jiggling the handle on America's economic toilet. Sources close to the orange-hued, twice-impeached, and somehow president-again Donald Trump confessed his entire economic strategy amounted to treating the U.S. economy like a frozen Windows 98 desktop - with all the sophistication of a toddler rebooting a router by drooling on it.
"People get too fancy with their 'macroeconomic policies' and 'data-driven solutions'," mumbled an unnamed advisor, his breath reeking of stale Big Macs and misplaced confidence. "The boss took one look at the Dow Jones and said 'Nobody knew economics could be so complicated' before pressing the power button with the same delicate precision he uses to retweet QAnon memes at 3 AM."
The results have been predictably catastrophic, unless you're a soybean farmer who somehow became collateral damage in Trump's bizarre trade wars and now views every shipping container like it might contain another Chinese tariff surprise. (Spoiler: it does. It always does.)
"I used to farm soybeans," sighed bewildered Iowa resident Sorghum Birdwhistle, staring at his now-worthless harvest. "Now I just stack them in pyramids and pray to them like some kind of agrarian crypto scheme. The President says it's a beautiful transition to the new economy. He also said he'd buy some, but then he forgot what soybeans were."
Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary J.D. Vance - whose economic credentials include "once read half of an Ayn Rand novel in an airport" - has been spotted frantically Googling "how to unf*ck an economy" while muttering something about returning to the gold standard, or possibly just gold spray paint.
When reached for comment via Truth Social at an hour when respectable humans are either asleep or questioning their life choices, Trump responded with his trademark blend of word salad and weaponized ignorance: "BEST ECONOMY EVER! LIKE A ROCKETSHIP! SOYBEANS? BEAUTIFUL BEANS! VERY SMART NUTS! SAD!"
Economists warn the long-term effects may include "the complete collapse of modern civilization," but on the bright side, at least we'll finally get to see if Trump's hair is flammable when the riots start.
(Editor's Note: Against all logic, decency, and the basic laws of thermodynamics, yes - he's still President. We triple-checked. The bourbon is helping.)
Writer:
Hat-tip Titus
The FTSE, Nikkei and Hang Seng indices all soared yesterday on the news that Donald Trump has temporarily paused his plan to implement tariffs on imports to America.
“It’s like the first day of Spring combined with meeting the love of your life and winning the lottery, all on the same day,” said market analyst Jeremy Wonk. “Imagine, it might be as much as three months before Trump drives the world economy off a cliff and we all end up living in mud huts, subsisting on nuts and berries.
“If Wordsworth were alive today, he’d say t'was bliss in this dawn to be alive, but to be a commodities broker was very heaven.
“Of course, it would be nice if we had some actual good news to celebrate, rather than just bad news being put off for a while, but frankly we’ll take what we can get. I suppose there’s the fact that he’ll be gone in 2028, but somehow I believe that less every time I say it.”
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