Trump's transition team refuse to call it that

Fueled by culture wars and a lack of dictionaries, President-elect Trump has said he will refuse to transition. He said the trans community was a threat to the national identity, as opposed to himself, who was just a threat.

None of his cabinet would transition to government, and would resolutely stay in a camper van beside the Washington monument. Trump insisted he would keep men out of women's sport, and back where they belong, lurking around the changing room, offering spa days at Mar-a-Lago. An aide confirmed: 'Fortunately we do not have a gender neutral White House. It's always been men-only.'

Trump picks Hannibal Lector for Surgeon General

In a relatively uncontroversial pick by his standards, President-Elect Donald Trump has named Dr Hannibal Lecter his choice to be the next US Surgeon General.

“He’s an incredible guy, an amazing guy, super qualified,” said Trump today. “In all his years as a psychiatrist, there was never a single malpractice suit against him. Mainly because he ate his patients before they could complain.”

It’s rumoured a very nervous Ivanka was sent to offer the post to Lecter, at the underground facility where he’s incarcerated. Demanding she come closer to the glass so he could examine her ID, Lecter noted “That expires in one week. You're not really qualified, are you?” and she replied “You're just realising that now?”

After some persuasion, Lecter agreed to be “in charge of the nation’s food… sorry, healthcare, I always get them confused.” He added that if they were still looking for someone to run Women’s Services, he recommended “Multiple Miggs” in the next cell. Ivanka promised to pass the recommendation on, just as soon as she’d been home to wash her hair.

She was then sent to discuss the appointment with senior Trump advisor Rudi Giuliani, but his only reply was “Just put the dog in the basket!”

A leading Democrat protested that surely a convicted felon couldn’t be given such a senior government job, before sheepishly saying “Sorry, I don’t know why I even said that…”

In the event, the appointment was unexpectedly confirmed by the Senate, perhaps due to the mysterious disappearance of several senators who had promised to vote against it. In an unrelated development, several delicatessens in the Washington area are said to be running short of fava beans and Chianti.

image from pixabay

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Elon Musk “mostly rich from posting feet on OnlyFans”

Elon Musk admitted today that the bulk of his fortune comes not from Tesla or SpaceX, and certainly not from X (formerly Twitter), but from posting pictures of his feet to OnlyFans. 

“I don’t know why you guys are so surprised,” Musk told reporters today. “SpaceX makes huge losses, even when we manage to launch a rocket without it blowing up. Tesla just had to issue the sixth recall this year for the Cybertruck. And don’t get me started on X, which even landmine manufacturers won’t advertise on now.

”Yeah, things were looking pretty bleak until I realised I could make serious dough posting pictures of my feet. 

“Gotta be honest, I never thought they were that attractive. But it seems like there are some weird people out there. And most of them follow me on X already, so it was easy to send them a link to my new site.

”Since then, it’s been my only reliable income stream, pretty much subsidising all the businesses I’m running into the ground.

”I thought I might have to take a break over the summer when I got athlete’s foot, but, er… did I mention there are some weird people out there?”

Asked whether he knows of any other famous people posting pics of their feet, he grinned and said he couldn’t betray a confidence.

”Let’s just say, he doesn’t dye his whole body the same orange as his face.”

image from pixabay

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