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CBI all mouth and no trousers



The lobbyist insisted that molestation was a vital tool in getting people's attention. Said the Confederation of British Industry: 'Our trouserless negotiations really focus the mind. I mean, would you to stay haggling if you knew everyone around the table was naked from the waist down?'


Despite criminal proceedings, the CBI remained committed to groping their way to profit. 'We project the economy will grow as much as 12 inches, provided we take our blue pill.'


That said, more and more firms are disassociating themselves from the CBI's rape culture - all except the BBC's light entertainment branch and the Vatican. 'We will always put business interests first. And it just so happens our business is chasing women.' Asked if they were worried about the investigation, they replied. 'Shhhh. Mind your own business.'



Lib Dems spotted shaking soil from their trousers



Conservative MPs have made an observation that the Lib Dems have installed a vaulting horse in the House of Commons and have been seen walking around Westminster Palace shaking what looks like soil from their trousers. Meanwhile, it is noted that Sir Ed Davey was observed being summoned to the House of Commons library a few months ago regarding the long overdue return of several books related to the Trojan war, and the only remaining Betamax copy of The Great Escape in existence. The Lib Dem election committee is understood to be fixated on three potential candidates: Tom, Dick and Harry.


'Liz Truss was a Lib Dem, wasn't she?' asked one Conservative MP, realisation dawning on his face.


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