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A prison designed to hold up to 20,000 prisoners has been the subject of a scathing raft of reviews on popular review sites.
'Only two toilets for every hundred inmates,' moaned one reviewer, who also had issues about the 'measly two-ply' toilet paper. Another suggested the guards were 'a tad rough', but it was unclear if that was an actual complaint.
The prison barber came in for some rough reviews, too. 'He only seems to have one cut - I asked for a little off the top and wham! it was all on the deck,' complained reviewer 001025 who preferred to be nameless, in accordance with El Salvador prison rules.
Updated: Jun 21, 2022
After a couple of months wandering around Mars, Perseverance has concluded that 'Mars is over-rated and basically a pile of poo'. Even the promise of a helicopter ride fell through once the Rover realised it was 'just an over-hyped DGI drone'. 'It kept on taking photos of me sat in a massive featureless dust bowl and tried to con me out of cash. Like I need photographic reminders I'm stuck in the Martian equivalent of Sheerness on a good day.'
Perseverance has the task of mapping the local landscape - 'done day one, undulating mounds of boring, featureless shit, tick' and looking for signs of earlier life. 'I could keep looking, but really, what life form would want to stick around this hell-hole? If they couldn't leave they'd probably have topped themselves, which isn't a bad idea' said the Rover, tugging at its solar array and attempting to drill holes in its batteries.
The helicopter, Ingenuity, which has been accused of trolling Perseverance's TripAdvisor reviews, has asked to be distanced from Perseverance's views. 'I think it's great, would you like a selfie with me? Fancy a ride around the rim? - Not a euphemism, you understand,' it said today. 'I take PayPal.'
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