Know the Snow Warning code!

As The Met Office has released Snow Warnings across the UK, NewsBiscuit has released a helpful guide:

Green Snow Warning: might be medicines you’re taking, or a liver disease, but knowing you skanks you could just stop swallowing your mouthwash.

Amber Snow Warning: you’re probably dehydrated; a lot of sport, a high protein muscle building diet, or after-match drinks with the team can all dehydrate you, but so can sinking a bottle of plonk on your own while crying incessantly, and I think we know which this was, don’t we?

Red Snow Warning: if you’re not on your period, it could be additives, or even beetroot, but you should probably get yourself checked out at the doctor’s in case of prostate problems or kidney stones, or a GUM clinic for STIs…probably best to go there first, TBH.

Image: Stable Diffusion Online (stablediffusionweb.com)

Scrapping traffic light system will cause carnage, warns AA

Abandoning the UK's traffic light travel system, in place since 1868, could put drivers at risk, says the leading motoring organisation.

Under the new rules, motorists won't be required to stop anywhere. It means that fully vaccinated drivers will no longer have to pull over in red list cities such as Birmingham and risk being infected by a virulent local dialect.

Audi drivers such as Nigel Palmer, 43, from Bromley, broadly welcomed the move: 'I'll miss running red lights, of course, but it means we can still carry on not stopping at pelican crossings, even when there are kiddies about, which is great news.'

A government spokesman explained that the old system was not fit for purpose and was in dire need of an overhaul. 'It was a highly confusing system. All that red, red and amber, amber, green nonsense just stopped hard-working people going about their business. It can now go back to Brussels, where it belongs.'

The President of the National Association of Cyclists didn't see what all the fuss was about, simply asking: 'What on earth are traffic lights?'

Image: Pixabay/Didgeman

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Traffic lights on UK roads to have 50 shades of amber

The once elegant system of stop and go has been deconstructed by a very clever kerfuffle of men who know what is best for the people of Britain.

In happier, simpler times, a chap could be trained to do the highly skilled job of standing in a sunny country lane, armed with one of the most powerful tools ever created. The tool could literally halt traffic, including heavy goods vehicles and Austin Maestros with faulty brakes. But with a deft flip, that very same tool could grant freedom to those who had waited patiently for passage beyond roadworks.

Some say that it all went wrong when the red stop, green go system was upgraded by Ambrose Rudd, the great, great, no really great grandfather of former Home Secretary Amber Rudd. A man of well concealed wisdom, Ambrose Rudd invented a yellowy colour with no name which could be squished between stop and go. The genius of it was that it meant neither stop nor go, which was precisely what everyone hadn't realised they didn't need.

But that wasn't enough. The doubt and hesitation caused by a sort of yellowy-orange light needed improvement. A devious spiv who hung out on shadowy street corners by the name of Flash 'Arry made his fortune by adding a complex sequence to the light which followed the pattern: on, off, on, off... Where 'Arry got his idea from has never been indicated.

A dubious acquaintance of Flash 'Arry with the street name Mad Jez Avenue later suggested that sometimes the orange light could be on, sometimes off, and sometimes follow the nutty sequence proposed by 'Arry. It was agreed that this was the ultimate thinking on the subject, and all traffic lights everywhere followed this convention for many years. Except ones in Bulgaria which did away with red and green altogether.

But following a global test during the past year, a trusted authority on all subjects called Grant Shapps has developed an innovative concept. Joyously, the concept enables the current system of traffic lights to be replaced with an even simpler fiasco. There will be no consultation, and all traffic lights will be replaced with immediate effect, the contract for the upgrades rightly awarded without oversight to a company called Not Grant Shapps Ltd.

Road users will be required to instantly distinguish and know the meaning of massive boards of 50 lights, each lamp a slightly different shade of amber. Sometimes some of them will be on, sometimes others, sometimes some will blink, sometimes some will come on, and then immediately go off again the moment drivers have proceeded. Most importantly, anyone finding themselves stranded in a mangled wreck of twisted steel in the middle of a road junction will be deported to Bulgaria.