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In a bid to reassure patients that the ambulance they requested is actually on its way, the government has given a contract to FlightRadar24, who are adding ambulances to their app. Patients will now be able to track the progress of their ambulance in real time.


A spokesperson from FlightRadar24 told Newsbiscuit that it had initially seemed like a challenge, but after discussing the matter with their technical whizkids who told the sales team they were already tracking 10 hour non-stop flights successfully, they thought it should be possible to track a truck for at least that long, or even longer, maybe even several days.


The Health Secretary said, 'A lot of the problem was about perception. People worried that after they called 999 and nothing seemed to be happening, they were worried that nothing ever would. Now though, it's just like checking a flight left LA on time and you can follow its path all the way.'


We spoke with a victim of a cycling accident as he was being scraped up off the tarmac to ask whether he thought it was an improvement to the service and were told: 'It's amazing what can be done with technology these days. The Amazon van driver who knocked me over managed to extract my missing leg from the van bumper and was kind enough to put it somewhere safe before he had to rush off for his next delivery, because the customer was tracking that online as well. Thanks to the government, I now know for certain it will only be three days before the ambulance will be here.'


Mabel Thomas, a 90-year old pensioner from Maidstone told us however, 'I can't be arsed with all that app nonsense. I'll just carry on on giving the ambulance staff a decent tip when they take me to hospital and know they won't let me down when I need them.'




Anticipating that brown envelopes full of cash may dry up once he is ejected from No. 10, Boris Johnson is working with computer game developers on something new and original.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Your character is Prime Minister and faces serious real-world challenges. However you get points for charging around causing chaos, partying, getting laid and lining the pockets of you and your mates.'


Game developer Luke Lyle said 'I renamed Untitled Goose Game, and took their money.'


Hootington-Hurst continued 'Turns out, we've changed one letter from an existing game. Now an 'E' instead of a 'U'. Suella Braverman's legal view is that it's all the EU's fault anyway. Anyone who says otherwise is an enemy of the people.'


Lyle did not anticipate an enquiry into the money spent. 'What are the Tories going to do? Track and Trace me?'


One man passion vacuum Keir Starmer has caught Covid for a second time. His 4 additional spells of enforced self-isolation had already made him the unluckiest Labour leader since Gordon Brown called a bigoted woman 'a bigoted woman' but got caught.


Starmer - the only person ever to be Tracked and Traced - is close to getting the coveted final stamp on his Covid loyalty card and ascending to platinum membership.


Labour activist Bob Bridlington denied that Angela Rayner was seen making a set of Starmer voodoo dolls and posting them straight to Wuhan. He noted 'Keir's commitment is such that he is single handedly skewing the government's Covid stats. And it's not as though self-isolating massively interferes with his social life. Plus he'll get a free coffee if it happens again.'




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