Sunak 'really regrets' not extending Rwanda law

A spokesman for the current Prime Minister, which at the time of writing is still, unbelievably, understood to be Rishi Sunak has confirmed that the PM has expressed real regrets over the timing of his General Election announcement last month.

'With the roaring success of declaring Rwanda a safe place he now realises that he should have gone for the Columbo supplementary statement - just one more thing before I go to the polls - and should have written that all six hundred or so constituencies up and down the country were also, in the eyes of the law, safe.  Seats that is, for Tory candidates.

'He believes we could have gone for the five-week election run-up, cared not one jot if he inadvertently handed the opposition a free pass through screwing up his campaign (known to happen), then after the count install Tory candidates in every constituency safe seat regardless of the vote.

'He knows it might seem undemocratic, but surely no more undemocratic than the Rwanda is officially safe scam, sorry, scheme but once completed there wouldn't be anyone left in opposition to stop him formalising it,' said the spokesman, adding, 'actually, we think he believes he did all of this.  I'd bet on it.  Ooops'

Conservative economics 101

While many are critical of the current party in power regarding the handling of the National economy, it is likely that most of the detractors are unaware of the parallel universe economics that are at play.

Take inflation, the measure of how rapidly costs are rising.  In standard economics inflation is strictly a derivative, a measure of the rate of change of value.  In Tory economics the definition depends on whether the rate of inflation is 'good' or 'bad'.  For example, inflation rising at 11% or so is obviously bad by any measure, but in Tory economics this is not only bad but not their fault - they don't control the external factors causing inflation such as war in Ukraine, price gouging by energy firms supporting the Tory party or by Brexit.  Ultimately it is the fault of the Bank of England that inflation is so high.

'Good' inflation, which is any fractional part of 'bad' inflation such as 6.5% (half), or 3.25% (quarter) or 2% (gnat's cock) is clearly thanks to the government who legally have no control over the Bank of England, but is obviously due to the price gouging energy firms gouging less thanks to the Tories, the war in Ukraine (and Gaza and several other places too mundane to mention) and of course, for unspecified reasons, due to Brexit. 

In the real universe the 6.5% and 3.25% are also bad, but in Tory economics these numbers prove prices are going down, which in the real world requires something real economists call deflation.  In real economics they indicate prices are still rising, but slower; in Tory economics deflation is bad for Tory donors, banks and hot air balloons.  It's also bad for those who actually have any residual cash not destroyed by the 11% inflation, but never acknowledged in either universe, but good for those who actually have to pay for stuff out of their own pocket.  Or for those companies that need to make stuff it should be a good thing, but the accountants would disagree.

In the next lesson we'll discuss political gravity, where down is up and 19% in the polls is really a good thing.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

"Stop sending us these freaks!" plead residents of the Chiltern Hundreds

'I know where we live is only a desolate patch of bogland somewhere to the south of Aylesbury," said a spokesman for the residents of the Chiltern Hundreds, 'but we were happy here.

'That's until Parliament started trucking in a series of freaks and misfits to be our 'Steward and Bailiff'. Apparently, that's the law. If you want out of the Commons, you have to come and run this place. 'The first steward creature was a blond-haired, scruffy kind of orangutang which lurched around the place brandishing a champagne bottle and touching people for money.' "Come on, chaps!" it'd say. "Help out an old Tory toff when he's on his uppers! Some of us have wallpaper bills to pay!" 'But he was a pussy cat compared to our current Steward and Bailiff. 'She's spent the past week staggering through the village lanes swigging Jägerbombs, spray-painting walls with graffiti saying "Rishi is a bummer", flicking V-signs at passers-by and screaming 'I should be a bleeding Lady!' at the top of her lungs. 'And I've had a tip-off that the next degenerate to be foisted on us is Matt Hancock. 'I swear that if he sets foot here, we'll string him up. It's the only language these political deadbeats understand.'