Things that will make life worth living this summer

July 4th: Labour oust Tories in general election.

July 5th: 70% of British media start as they mean to go for the next five years, telling Starmer his administration is doomed.

July the Inevitableteenth: England crash out of Euro24. Riots breaks out in Hartlepool FC car park. Endless autopsies in media and saloon bars on the cold, dead corpse of English football.

July the Verysoonteeth: last of our great hopes trips over his or her racquet swiping hopelessly at an ace and crashes out of Wimbledon. Endless autopsies on the hardly ever breathing corpse of British tennis.

August Bank Holiday: Angela Rayner leads cavalry charge of disaffected trade unionists on donkeys on Blackpool beach, shouting "No Gods! No Starmers!" 100% of media endlessly repeat that Labour and the country are doomed.

July - September: England start thrilling chain of humiliating cricket defeats. Autopsies break out in media and long rooms across the nation on the pearly white corpse of English cricket.

Olympics: Team GB athletes finish seventh out of eight in almost every event. Surprise winner of the bronze in synchronised ludo is given a knighthood and elected leader of the Conservative Party. Later defects to Reform UK.

(This doesn't seem much to live for. You're fired - Ed)

November: Trump wins election and persuades UK government to make Farage ambassador to Washington. Farage leaves UK for the next several years.

(That's a bit more like it. I'll think about rehiring you - Ed)

Man discovers there's an election on

Mike Davies, forty-two from Northwich, has just discovered that he is expected to vote today.

'Nobody told me the government had called an election, there wasn't anything in the newspapers apart from a few cryptic headlines, and apparently I must have junked the polling card into the recycling because I haven't seen it anywhere,' he said today.

Despite claiming to be politically active, Mr Davies says his wife hadn't mentioned anything and as she had double-booked all his normal Conservative Association meetings for the last month he hadn't been anywhere near the club.  'I'm sure someone would have mentioned it if I'd popped in,' he said.

Mike claims to being 'quite tech savvy' but unfortunately his WhatsApp messages and groups seem to have been lost, as have all his email and phone contacts.  His wife, who is a tech consultant, is trying to retrieve all his data and has loaned him a brick phone until she gets his up and running.

'It's taken an age but she's very busy, she's out walking a lot in that orange tabard she's taken to wearing when out and about - hi viz I guess, safety first - and has been delivering leaflets advertising community events or something.  She reckons she'll have my phone sorted by Friday, so I'll be able to check the results then.  Meanwhile I need to work out how to get to my polling station, which apparently is one hundred and sixteen miles away and she's booked to take her mum out all day leaving me carless.

'Never mind, I'll get there and vote Tory as usual.  I'm sure she's sorted something out for herself,' he said.

Labour promises to clamp down on loo polls

Amid the unrelenting media demand for opinion polls, frustrated citizens have told Newsbiscuit they are fed up with being asked whether they’ve changed their minds over booting the Tory Party out of office on July 4.

'It’s gone way beyond a joke when you can’t even take a leak without some idiot with a clipboard standing next to you, asking “If you had a photo of Starmer and Sunak together, to put in the urinal, which one you’d aim your piss at?' said Dave Smiff, an Amazon delivery driver who values the rare opportunities he gets to empty his bladder.

We asked the Labour Party if it had any intentions of clamping down on WC poling and were told “Of course we will. Haven’t you read our manifesto?”