A busy day packing at CCHQ

Boy, 9, furious after Tories steal the collage he made for a school project

Oscar Oldroyd, 9, said 'We were supposed to make a collage of some British things, so I cut out a picture of the King and the England men's football team - I'm 9, so I don't yet grasp the difference between England and Britain. Adults do though... right?'

'My photo of Rishi Sunak was his of weird prolonged laugh when he doesn't want to answer a question - not him trying to look statesmanlike whilst wearing trousers that would fit me. They must have photoshopped that. As a 9 year old, I've lived through 5 Tory PMs and 1 lettuce. Anyway, they stole my picture, I'm lawyering up.'

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'If that 9 year old lawyers up, we'll leave the ECHR to make sure he doesn't have the right to a fair trial. Then we can throw that pint-sized enemy of the people and his family into a gulag on the Isle of Wight.'

Image: freestocks-photos - Pixabay

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Tory MPs to receive training in fumblebragging

Not satisfied with the plain old humblebrag, Conservative MPs are being coached to level down their game to a new low.

'Senior government ministers can be trained to do even less,' said Georgina Long, a presentation coach earning £800 an hour tax-free from taxpayer money to make an ineffective Cabinet even more destructive.

'Why stop at humblebragging, when one can also incorporate a colossal self-evident cock-up in the form of a fumblebrag? The entire Civil Service is now completely dedicated to covering for the hideous nonsense politicians do and say instead of making things work, so this is the future of high-level government personnel coaching.

'For example, where a Chancellor might've said that they are just a down-to-earth chap of the people who slums it in diamond-encrusted sliders, what they should be saying is that they are just a down-to-earth chap of the people slumming it in diamond-encrusted sliders who has also just blown the national disability budget on aid to off-shore palace owners.

'Do you see?

'Now come on Prime Minister, you can do this. Repeat after me... I'm just a boy in front of an electorate asking it if my testicles are banging it in the chin too hard WHILE I tax small boats for not being big luxury yachts channelling non-dom chums into lucrative directorships...'

image from pixabay