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Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.
'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'
The Conservative Party has confirmed the impending summary execution of one of its MPs.
‘We won’t be naming the offender until his widow and mistress have been informed’, a spokesman said, before adding ‘oh bollocks. Could you not print the bit about his mistress? It was supposed to be a secret’.
We understand that the offending MP completed an interview on daytime television without using the verb “deliver” or any of its forms. It is believed he hadn’t read his emails and was still repeating “stop the boats” as the answer to every question.
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