Baroness Mone denies massive pants-factory fire has links to PPE affair

Lingerie millionairess Baroness Mone has said the huge pants-fire in her lingerie factory near Slough is "unconnected" to the controversy over her lies regarding PPE. She issued a statement saying the fact the fire broke out the very moment she admitted to Laura Kuenssberg she had been lying was a "pure coincidence".

'There has been a lot of arson around and I can only put the fire down to people who want to hurt me' Baroness Mone continued. She denies that she and her husband had been arson around for nearly two years before telling the truth about their part in the PPE affair.

'The pants factory and its contents are very well insured and like any careful and successful business people, we protect our assets and stand to make a little extra to cover the expenses of the claim,' she said in an independent multi-million feature film starring Tom Cruise which she wrote, produced and directed.

'The pants factory and the film were financed by a company owned by my husband, a man who I have never met in my life. Our two children, who were conceived postally, are the ones I would go to any lengths to protect.'

It's understood that Baroness's pants-empire has now started making fireproof pants and Piers Morgan is set to publicly endorse them for an undisclosed sum of £60million.

In some unheard clips from her Kuenssberg interview Mone added:

'It's lucky I was a Conservative peer, otherwise it would have been much more difficult to recommend my husband's company to supply useless PPE and personally profit from the catastrophic outbreak of a killer disease... It is difficult being a Baroness with 60 million quid that I shouldn't have. The struggle is real - can you even buy a super yacht with that? My diamond slippers are a bit tight actually... How best to distract jaded newspaper editors from a story about public sector procurement? Well, I'm a lingerie tycoon, so, tits.'

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/

H/T: stewartbarclay

First published 19 Dec 2023

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Clarkson has heart fitted

TV personality, farmer, and spokesman for Wrangler Jeans Jeremy Clarkson revealed today he recently underwent a heart procedure, resulting in him having one fitted.

Speaking at his Oxfordshire farm, the advocate of global warming gave anxious fans an update on his condition, telling them all, "I first noticed something when we filmed with the piglets. The emotion of the situation gave me a numbness in my arm and a hollow feeling in my chest.

'Thinking it might be a brewing coronary, we ended up at hospital and a quick scan showed I actually suffer from stannum homini. I'm just so grateful that an absolute wizard of a cardiologist was there and able to fit me with a heart so I can now do things like walk on my land and enjoy Terms of Endearment.'

At the John Radcliffe hospital, lead specialist Professor Oscar Diggs elaborated on the star's treatment. "Fortunately for Mr Clarkson," he said, "with Oxfordshire being such a Tory stronghold, we are specialists in this ailment and the absence of hearts generally.

'This was stage two stannum homini, where symptoms can include writing for a right-wing newspaper, calling things you don't like 'woke' and believing your ideas are 'just common sense. Thankfully for him, he hadn't hit the later stages, so we have saved him from classic Conservative maladies like running for parliament, becoming prime minister and introducing emergency budgets."

Photo by Natanael Melchor on Unsplash

Attenborough to voice Tory MP wildlife documentary

As Tory MPs become an endangered species - possibly facing extinction - David Attenborough will lend his trademark breathy vocals to a 3 part mini-series all about them.

'Here, deep in the heart of a generic Home County, we see the Tory MP in his natural habitat: cricket, a village fete, a long suffering wife. But what's this... a non-white person is walking nearby and we see the Tory MP begin to strut. Let's listen in: "Political correctness has gone mad, woke, flights to Rwanda, British values". It's aggressive, yet pointless, it's all just a performance, as if he's wearing some GBShoes.'

Later in the show, the Tory MP was shown hard at work in Westminster.

'Back in the Westminster office, an unlucky female Parliamentary aide has caught the Tory MPs eye. We hear the guttural mating noises: "Mmm I say, yes please matron, what a fine filly". Inexplicably, he's in luck. She responds positively. Despite the long suffering wife at home, the Tory MP begins rutting the aide and with a cry of "Margaret Thatcher", it's all over very quickly and he's off for a GBSnooze. That's a shame. She will need a few G&Ts to suppress that memory.'

Attenborough's closing narration did end on a jollier note however.

'By January 2025, Tory MPs will be extinct in the wild, with just a few of these extraordinary animals kept in cages on GBZoos, awaiting the sweet release of either an autobiography or death. It's up to us to do the right thing.'