Nation scrambles to surround itself with moistened bread

Following the revelation that Kemi Badenoch "won't touch moist bread", bakers and garden centres have reported a surge in demand for a) bread and b) water sprays.

Ron Jenkins** of Clacton, speaking from behind a wall of Warburtons with a sprinkler system rigged over it, voiced the country's concerns. "If I'd known it was this simple to keep her away, I'd have done this years ago. I'm getting a few dozen loaves delivered each day now so I rarely have to risk going out. Unfortunately, I do have to visit the doctors after suggesting to Mrs Jenkins that I gave her baps a rub down with a damp flannel."

**Mr Jenkins is from 1976.

Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet

Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.

'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked details of Truss's upcoming keynote conference speech

NewsBiscuit has exclusively acquired a leaked transcript of Liz Truss's keynote address to be given to the assembled geriatrics and right wing reactionary crackpots at next week's Tory Party Conference in Birmingham.

Among many things, the document reveals the central plank in the prime minister's plan to unveil long-awaited measures to benefit the poor and underprivileged who are struggling to make ends meet.

In one passage sure to play well with delegates Ms. Truss will say:

"Conference, we're not the party of heartlessness. No (pause for sycophantic applause) We have listened to the people and I am proud to announce this. Rather than give the poor generous cash handouts, which they'll only squander on booze and fags, we shall go one step better. Instead, every day they will all receive a rosy apple free gratis with no strings attached. This is caring conservatism at its finest. (take a beat of ten for wave of uncontrolled adulation to build through the auditorium).

That's levelling up in action and at its best, conference! Because do you know, an apple sliced extremely finely is more than enough to feed a family of six. Of course, a good knife with the keenest of blades is key, but then doesn't every household in the the land have one? And if not, surely those who don't can acquire a Sabatier from John Lewis Online. Even the most hopeless have the Internet... don't they?

But, conference we will not stop there. To ensure the poor do not feel demonised, pitied or patronised, we have arranged for a queuing system to be implemented at the rear of each and every one of the major supermarkets, just next to the skips, where lucky recipients can line up to get this extraordinary and much needed boost to their finances, safely out of sight of prying eyes."

More extracts to follow tomorrow.

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