Tories: 'Burn down country, claim National Insurance money'

National Insurance contributions are being increased, in a move likely to be popular with Conservatives, as it disproportionately targets the young and lower earners, two groups least able to pay and who would be insufficiently targeted by tax rises. Tax rises are triggering for Tories as they can lead to wealthier people paying more and even election defeats. Cries of ‘Oh yeah, stick it in my veins’ could clearly be heard emerging from 1922 Committee types all over Westminster.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst snorted: ‘An essential piece of Johnsonian disaster capitalism is that you need to cause as many disasters as possible. This Tory government is doing its best to burn the country to the ground so that we can claim National Insurance money. That’s how it works, right? Increased social care? No, that doesn’t sound very 'on-brand' for us.’

Image: ArtTower/Pixabay

‘No, not that kind of racism’ say Tories

Following Euro 2020, leading Conservatives like Boris Johnson and Priti Patel have remembered to quickly condemn the kind of racists who have been a bit too obvious about it, for being too obvious about it.

A Tory grandee interrupted his supper to bloviate: ‘You can't just say you don't like black people. That's racist and wrong. Instead, you heavily imply you don’t like black people by saying that taking the knee is gesture politics or Marcus Rashford should stick to football. Or you can condone it by implication, like refusing to criticise booing racists or needlessly cutting the foreign aid budget. That's populist and right and makes sure it’s a vote winner with our core demographic, white English xenophobes.’

‘You’ve got to keep your racism classy’ he continued, before belching deeply.

‘Populism equals racism plus time – that’s the Boris formula. That and wallpapering over his infidelities.’