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While the quote about magnanimity in victory is often attributed to Churchill, nevertheless a group of Labour planners have been tasked with thinking about what to do with/for Tory MPs who have lost their seats.
A spokeswonk said, “Predictions vary between 150-300 ex MPS for the Tories. Some say, not our problem, but when you take over the reins of power and try to form a Government showing concern for all its citizens, then you need something that at least resembles a policy. This could be a very hard nut to crack.
“The top suggestion so far is to set up a voluntary scheme to retrain these failures as Job's Comforters. Obvs, if any Tories want to bugger off to California to squander their multi-millions however they feel, we're not going to stand in their way. Yet we feel the need to offer some crumbs of comfort, however stale, to victims who are seeking help.
When fully trained these Comforters will be deployed to address the deep depression felt by Tory voters and Daily Mail & Express readers throughout the UK.
“There is no reason these rehab courses could not also be offered to failed candidates of Labour or Lib/Dem parties. Many of these will be wondering – if only we'd kept our mouths shut tighter or done less, couldn't we have generated enough apathy in our constituencies to scrap us over the line!
“Even the Reform losers are not to be abandoned. Top idea so far is to offer lessons in how to swim with a millstone round your neck.”
Image: geralt - Pixabay
The Tories, who are absolutely definitely not in the slightest spooked by the thought of being totally exterminated in the forthcoming General Election, are planning to appoint Paula Vennells as an emergency substitute chief of the Electoral Commission, just to make sure that everything proceeds as they think it should, and to eliminate any possible risk of anyone trying to fiddle the results or come up with a result they don't want the wrong result.
There was slight confusion as Paula Vennells denied knowing anything about this.
'She has no idea what the electoral commission is or what it does' said a spokesperson as Vennells settled down behind her new desk in the office of the head of the Electoral Commission and placed an order for a new computer system from Fujitsu.
'She doesn’t remember coming here this morning or what she is supposed to be doing. But she does want to know when she will get her £4.5M pay?'
To clear up the confusion, Fujitsu were contacted, and a spokesperson explained: 'Yes, our job is to ensure we get the right result. Nothing can possibly go wrong. See? Look - we control the results remotely from here. If any returning officers accidentally announce the wrong result, we will inform the electoral commission who, we will insist, will bundle them off to jail, And also raise a bit more cash on the side by declaring that every candidate except the highest bidder has lost their deposit.'
'And as for postal votes? Er, just don't go there. Not if you know what's good for you.'
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