14-year-old experiences strange new sensation called hope

A 14 year-old girl from Cheshire approached her mother this morning after experiencing strange new feelings she had never felt before.

Josy Hinde from Crewe told her mum, 'Since I woke up on Friday morning, I've been feeling really odd. I feel like a darkness has lifted, and the corners of my mouth sort of turned up a bit. Now and then, I catch myself humming. I'm really scared, mum. What's wrong with me?'

'Don't worry, love,' replied her mum. 'It's something called hope. No one under the age of 15 will have felt it before. But now many of you will. Some people have been going around taking everyone's hope for the future from them and saying it's impossible to do good things because it would cost too much. But it was never true. It was always possible, they just thrived off making everyone else scared and miserable like themselves. No one can explain it, but they were absolutely adamant that the children weren't our future.'

'Do I need to see a doctor?'

'Nah, you'll be fine, Jose. When the corners of your mouth turn up like that, it's called happiness. I know it feels weird at first, but it's a good thing. Speak to your friends at school about it, and you can help each other adjust.'

Photo by Barth Bailey on Unsplash

Starmer recalls all former Conservative MPs

'Rachel's taken a look at the books and it seems there's something missing,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today.  'We kind of knew about the £30 Billion for track and trace, the Gazillion pounds missing from dodgy deals over covid, but the Treasury coffers have been hollowed out,' he said.

Consequently, every Conservative MP, both those who lost their seats and both of those who kept them, have been told to report to Starmer's office by nine Monday morning and are to turn their pockets out.  Pronto.  They are to bring their briefcases and have them ready for inspection.

'We don't expect to find anything,' confided the spokesman, 'but while Sir Keir's flexing his cane and pacing up and down in front of them we can be ransacking their bank accounts.  Anything over a billion will be considered sus, apart from Rishi, obvs.

One hack asked if they would turn up, to the obvious amusement of the spokesman.  'Did you not hear the bit about the cane?  We're talking Tories here,' he said. 

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