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In the never-ending quest for increased productivity, the corporate world has stumbled upon a ground-breaking solution: Iron Maiden Toilet Seats. From the innovators of the anti-suicide nets in Shenzhen Apple factories comes this exciting invention that is sure to leave any CEO salivating.
Gone are the days of employees idly scrolling through social media or taking unnecessarily long bathroom breaks. With the bed-of-nails toilet seat, employees can enjoy up to 20 seconds of unskewered toilet time before the spikes begin to rise slowly out of the porcelain throne like that scene in The Temple of Doom.
For those too numb with existential ennui to feel their buttocks being impaled, the spikes will administer an injection of caffeine and methamphetamines to stimulate an ebullient motivation to work.
‘At first we took a lot of inspiration from hostile architecture,’ a senior manager tells us. ‘We started by tilting the seats at 13 degrees to make toilet breaks more miserable, but it only led to a 25% decrease in time spent on comfort breaks. After that we exaggerated the slope to 90 degrees, but amazingly they were still managing to dawdle. Then we introduced the Genital Grabbing Sewer Goblins, but they soon began unionizing over their lack of health insurance. The spiked toilet seat is by far the most cost-effective solution.’
‘I miss the goblins,’ warehouse worker Andrew Perez tells us. ‘It’s been so long since I’ve felt the touch of my wife that the physical contact filled a void inside me. Sarah, if you’re out there, I miss you, my love. Tell the kids that Daddy will be home soon.’
photo: https://pixabay.com/users/taken-336382/
New evidence has come to light that the Brown Smear Line, responsible for the installation of a luxuriant toilet on the Titanic, claimed it was 'completely unstinkable'. The historical document details how the chief designer and engineer of the Majestic Thunderbox situated between the bridge and the radio room, gave assurances and guarantees that it was absolutely impossible for undesired odours to emanate from the effluents collection and disposal device. However, reports from that fateful evening on the 14th April 1912, say that on its maiden voyage, a giant turdberg was encountered in an unthinkable 'full steam ahead' scenario. Even though only 10% of the turdberg was visible above the surface, the outcome was catastrophic. The stench wafted onto the bridge, causing the captain to gag and steer straight into an even bigger floater. It took more than two hours for the whole thing to go down, and it was over 73 years before the term 'resting on the bottom' was discovered.
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