New evidence has come to light that the Brown Smear Line, responsible for the installation of a luxuriant toilet on the Titanic, claimed it was 'completely unstinkable'. The historical document details how the chief designer and engineer of the Majestic Thunderbox situated between the bridge and the radio room, gave assurances and guarantees that it was absolutely impossible for undesired odours to emanate from the effluents collection and disposal device. However, reports from that fateful evening on the 14th April 1912, say that on its maiden voyage, a giant turdberg was encountered in an unthinkable 'full steam ahead' scenario. Even though only 10% of the turdberg was visible above the surface, the outcome was catastrophic. The stench wafted onto the bridge, causing the captain to gag and steer straight into an even bigger floater. It took more than two hours for the whole thing to go down, and it was over 73 years before the term 'resting on the bottom' was discovered.
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‘This is not about rearranging the deckchairs,’ said Captain Edward John Smith at a fringe meeting of Tory MPs last night. ‘We need stability at the centre of government, and I’m the only candidate with the necessary experience at this level to deliver it,’ he added.
The captain said he had been asked to throw his lifejacket into the ring after meeting Sir Graham Brady, leader of the highly influential and top-secret 1922 committee.
‘Sir Graham, who is happy changing party rules at the drop of a hat, told me he is keen to attract floating voters' bellowed an emotional Captain Smith. ‘On previous sinking ships under my command, third class passengers were locked below decks. This was to prevent them from claiming non-essential benefits such as fresh air and the right to a place on a lifeboat. Fortunately, they are no icebergs in Westminster, apart from the lettuces in the local cash & carry. I fully intend to give these a wide berth if at all possible.’
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