NHS bed shortage solved as Thérèse Coffey turns up outside IKEA in a Transit

IKEA workers at the company's Dagenham branch who turned up this morning for their 73-hour shift, were surprised to find a beached whale blocking the entrance. On closer inspection it turned out to be the UK’s ninth health secretary in three weeks.

Climbing out of a battered white van Coffey attempted to explain, while waddling to the entrance, that it was all part of her proactively proactive plan for the NHS.

An interpreter for the blind drunk translated, ‘As she told the House yesterday, this is the B part of her plan, as in B for Bed. This of course supersedes her predecessors Plan A, Thérèse's predecessor's Plan E and his predecessor's plan C minus. She's proactively filling the van full of beds and taking them where they are needed.’

Asked if she was going for a bunk bed, divan or Ottoman, the interpreter replied that she didn’t mind as long as they were single, adding, 'She is a practising Catholic after all.’

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Coffey tells NHS not to use the Bedford Commer

All work and no pension makes Therese a dull girl

Work and Pensions Secretary Therese Coffey has unwittingly revealed a strikingly socialist agenda, following her intentionally bungled comment that 2 hours extra work cancels out the impending £20-a-week Universal Credit cut.

With just a nod, Coffey implicitly confirmed that the minimum wage will increase from £8.91/hour to £10/hour. Additionally those on minimum wage will pay zero tax (intriguing Jeff Bezos), pay zero National Insurance (intriguing Rishi Sunak), make zero pension contributions (intriguing herself) and pay zero childcare costs (intriguing Boris Johnson many times over).

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said: ‘Why don’t people on Universal Credit just get a second job on the board of a FTSE-100 company? My uncle says they usually pay hundreds of thousands a year for a few hours work. It’s all done via the Caymans, so tax is at Amazonian levels. I blame the lazy working poor, or maybe the EU somehow?’

Image: Unsplash/Josh Appel