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Surgeons remove Hancock from Hancock’s butt


In a medical breakthrough that gives hope to hundreds of politicians with heads up their butts, surgeons have successfully removed a former health secretary from his rear end. The procedure was a medical first, showing light at the end of the tunnel for the entire front bench. Medical experts say the procedure was also used to remove a turnip from Therese Coffey, and Nadine Dorries from Boris Johnson.


Mr Hancock said: ‘Having one’s head stuck up one’s butt is stressful and debilitating, but it wasn’t actually my fault. It was shoved-up there by circumstances beyond my control. I can honestly say, with hand on heart, that I stuck my head up my butt to raise awareness of dyslexia.’




Man who lived off worms and urine employed as consultant by Thérèse Coffey


Jhonatan Acosta who spent a month in the Amazon jungle eating worms and drinking his own urine has been employed by Environment secretary Thérèse Coffey.


Ms Coffey explained: 'Government forecasts suggests that turnips might be something of a luxury item in months to come, but as farmers will tell you, worms are plentiful throughout the year and the government has been stockpiling urine for many years - when we take the piss, we don't just chuck it away. Mr Acosta will be advising the department as we produce a new document entitled 'What to do when the turnips run out.'




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