Dad Forced to Watch Daughter Play Another Musical Cockney Orphan

This weekend, Jim Smith undertook the gruelling task of watching his youngest child perform in yet another sixth form musical that for some reason features spirited cockney urchins. She plays a spunky East End vagabond - again.

‘The second I see her bounding on stage, her ponytail pinned under a newsboy cap and her face streaked with brown eyeshadow, I know it’s going to be a long night,’ Jim says. ‘It wouldn’t bother me that much, but most of the musicals aren’t even set in Victorian London.’

Why an urchin? Jim’s daughter is, regrettably, a triple A: A cup, Alto and Androgenous. Predatory theatre directors already face the challenge of wrestling unenthusiastic sixteen-year-old boys into oversized suit jackets so they can mumble their way through the lead roles. With no boys to spare, the mantle of the juvenile rapscallion falls on female shoulders.

‘If I have to see that tattered brown jacket again I’ll scream,’ Smith’s wife says, wringing the photocopied playbill between her hands. ‘I swear every role she plays is the same: it’s all “spare a penny” this and “pick a pocket,” that. I actually feel relief when she dies at the end.’

Image: Rob Laughter (@roblaughter) | Unsplash Photo Community

Brian Blessed to play Gareth Southgate

Brian Blessed has announced he will take on Gareth Southgate at the National Theatre next season. Theatre audiences are bracing themselves for high drama, pathos, and non-life-threatening injuries.

Playwright Jameson Grimham said: ‘Dear England highlights the way Southgate changed our notions of masculinity. I’m interested in how Brian’s acting style contrasts with Gareth’s approach to team management. In one scene, Brian grabs him by the goolies and throws him into the audience while shouting - damn and blast thee to hell thou rapscallion!’

Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson have agreed to play Rebekah Vardy and Coleen Rooney.

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‘They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our Dress Circle tickets to see Phantom'

With the threatened delay of the UK’s ‘Freedom Day’ from Lockdown, many citizens have taken to the streets to demand cheap package holidays, karaoke and universal suffrage – only kidding with that last one, they just want half-price cocktails. Said one agitator: ‘Nobody wants basic human rights, but we do want West End theatre tickets?’

Strangely, as a nation, we now equate freedom with the chance to see ‘Cats’ on stage, ideally discounted, with a restricted view. While Nelson Mandela’s long walk to freedom took 27 years, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s took 30 seconds, from the stroll from his Rolls Royce to the stage door.

As Julian Assange sits in his prison cell, he must consider himself lucky, compared to those oppressed citizens who now have to wear a face mask in Aldi. In the last decade we have happily surrendered civil liberties and freedom of expression, but as the NRA says: ‘I'll only use sanitizer when you put it on my cold, dead hands’.

Said one concerned citizen: ‘It’s delay after delay, we also had a Freedom Day for leaving the EU but that was delayed by several decades. I don’t mind waiting a few years to hug my family, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss out on front row seats to see ‘Dear Evan Hansen’.’