Government confident of a gold medal in the wine fridge bobsleigh

As the country's usual bunch of spineless losers try to work out how to put on a pair of snowboards, great things are expected from the British wine fridge team. The Sports Minister was positive about their chances. 'This is our chance to win gold and finally hold our heads high amongst the winter sporting elites.' 'We've invested massive amounts of funding in bringing ourselves to this point. We spent a hundred and forty-four quid on the wine fridge itself, thirty-four bottles of the 1975 Chateau Lafon Rochet at seventy-nine pounds a pop and two large suitcases from Tesco at £79.77 each.' 'Of course, we have to keep a wary out for the Italians and the French who are practically opening wine-fridges as soon as they can walk. However, our hard-working athletes have been working around the clock, learning how to strap themselves to the wine fridge and hurl themselves down the slippery, icy track of certain death. It's jolly exciting. The only thing that comes close is being chased around Poundland by a pair of Doberman Pinschers.' 'We've asked for the event to take place between 4 pm and 7 pm on a Friday when our team are at their peak of physical fitness.'

Bobsled Sports Winter Ice - Free photo on Pixabay

Tesco to launch three for the price of two refuse collections

As councils throughout the land struggle to cope with their duty to provide refuse collection services now that the majority of their truck drivers are now working for retailers, Tesco has been keen to address the impending disaster by adding refuse collection to the range of services it offers its customers.

To launch this service, the supermarket is giving a time-limited offer of refuse collection three times for the price of twice. Details of how this will work out in practice remain vague at this time, but a Tesco spokesperson was keen to point out that Clubcard points would be earned on every occasion that Tesco took away the contents of its customers' waste bins, which most likely contain unnecessary packaging and uneaten ready meals.

The spokesperson went on to say: It's a well known fact that Colman's made more money out of the mustard left on the side of the plate than was made from the mustard consumed, so we're very keen to learn what we're doing right for the sake of our shareholders.

'Collecting our customers' waste will allow us to analyse in a way that wasn't previously possible. We can establish in more detail what it was we were flogging that our customers didn't actually want, meaning we can focus our marketing to sell them more of it.

One customer, Deirdre from Wandsworth, thought it was the best thing she'd heard of in years. 'I'm really looking forward to having my bin emptied three times on the day the dustcart comes round, even if it costs twice as much. The bloody council wouldn't have dreamed of offering a service like this.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bluebudgie-4333174/

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Netflix buy Roald Dahl's books so rich corporations can get a happy ending

The global streaming service has said it intends to make a few tweaks to Dahl’s books, to ensure that ‘Arthur Slugworth gets fair representation’. In a surprising plot twist, Charlie finds a golden ticket, only to have an injunction taken out against him by Veruca Salt. The Oompa Loompas are deported and everyone gets stage two diabetes.

‘We want the books to have endings that reflect the reality of late-stage capitalism,’ explained a producer. ‘It makes much more sense for Willy Wonka to float his firm on the stock market, rather than bequeath it to a boy whose own grandparents fake being bed ridden, in order to scrounge benefits.’

With the new versions, Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker successfully sell their peach stockpiles to Tesco and unwanted grubs to ITV’s ‘Bushtucker Trial’. Miss Trunchball establishes a successful academy chain. While The Grand High Witch gets her wish to wipe out of children in the UK, by turning Marcus Rashford into a mouse.

Said the author’s estate. ‘It’s what Roald would have wanted... BFG... Big F$ckin Greed’