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Teenage boy admits he may have eaten the last of the cereal





Up until now his family had assumed a large family of rats or a plague of locusts had decimated their food larder. The loss of cereal was particularly mysterious as the crockery seemed untouched; although his sister feared he had simply emptied the muesli directly into his mouth and added milk.




Where quite precisely the boy has now stored the excess calories, scientists are at a loss to say, but many see this as indirect proof of the 'hollow legs' theory of transcendental dimensionality. What is more worrying is that his hunger shows no signs of being sated and no one has seen the family dog since Wednesday.




A lawyer for the boy said: 'My client is very sorry for the loss of five tubs of ice cream. In his defence, he had just smoked an ounce of weed. But he has nothing to do with the disappearance of three boxes of kleenex and his father's limited edition of 'Razzle's Reader's Wives' circa 1988’.


Boris Johnson "now a role model for snarky teenagers"



"We had anticipated that our studies would indicate that teenagers mimic the attitudes and standpoints of prominent social media users, reality television 'stars' and the like, so it has been highly unusual to see any political figure rate so highly in this study"


Keith Warsash, a psychologist specialising in behavioural development, has just completed an exhaustive internet study on role model markers amongst teenagers - and has been astonished to find that Boris Johnson is currently one of the key influencers.


Whilst scoring low, and even negative, values for his personal fashion sense, deportment and appearance, the Prime Minister has 'topped the leaderboard' for attitude and behavioural traits.


"We believe he has done so well in these areas through taking the teenage trifecta of 'I never', 'It's not my fault' and 'You're always picking on me' and elevating it to an art form." continued Keith.


"More astounding is that he has managed to maintain this triple defence well into his adult life, giving hope to teenagers everywhere that they too can carry that bubble of imperviousness into their later years, assuming no mantle of responsibility for anything as they go"


Keith has, however, been unable to confirm his findings in discussion with his 15 year old son, Jonah.


"When I spoke to him about this, all he did was mumble something under his breath, roll his eyes and storm off to his bedroom, pausing only to slam the kitchen door."


"Honestly, it was just like watching PM's Question Time" said an exasperated Keith

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