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Fourteen year old schoolboy, Thomas Stevens, of Walsall, really does have a girlfriend at another school. Friends and classmates were astounded to discover that the acne-riddled virgin has been courting 15 year old Ellie Beavis, who is a real person and really does live next door to his aunt and uncle in another town.
'We didn't believe him at first,' his best friend Alex told NewsBiscuit. 'We just thought he was trying to act big in front of us. She's not allowed a mobile phone, he says, and has no social media accounts so we just assumed she was made up, like. But, she's real. If that side show freak can pull, then there's hope for all of us.'
Thomas was reluctant to speak to our reporter and Ellie is believed to be staying with relatives, in another town.
- Oxbridge
- Jan 10, 2022
According to informed sources in the suburbs of Swindon, Nigel Adamson, 15, left his parents’ house to go ‘out’ yesterday evening. His parents, James and Sheila, were also left under the impression that he would be back ‘later’ after he had done ‘stuff’ with ‘friends’.
This is the fourth occasion in the current month that Nigel has gone ‘out’, a region that is generally believed to extend in a radius of about two miles from the end of Palmerston Avenue and to encompass Swindon town centre. However, analysts have cast doubt on the usefulness of ‘later’ as a term, given that short of a break in the space-time continuum any return from going ‘out’ would by definition be ‘later’.
‘There is a broad consensus on the definition of ‘friends’ in this context,’ said Dr Clive Barton, Professor of Teenage Linguistics at the University of Bath. ‘Since Nigel is 15 and ipso facto at the peak of coolness while also a closet admirer of steam railways, this and geographical restrictions automatically eliminate anyone from outside Swindon, anyone below his own age, any females and any males old enough to be able to claim plausibly to have done the sex thing. In other words, Kevin and Graham.’
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