top of page
Search

Shakira: 'My hips don’t lie. But my tax returns...'



Colombian pop singer Shakira has shimmied her way out of a potential 8 year jail sentence after settling a tax fraud case in Spain.


A spokesperson gyrated seductively: 'It’s lucky that Shakira’s breasts are small and humble, much like her tax liability for the period 2012 to 2014. This time for Africa, which she might have been in, even though a 'World' Tour is usually code for Europe and North America. Whenever, wherever, she was, she isn’t a beautiful liar. She'll wolf down this fine.'


Shakira’s only outstanding legal concern is thought to be a case being brought by Muppet Show alumnus Fozzie Bear, over the use of the phrase "Waca waca" on merch.




Tories will end the Sex Tax



Conservatives are determined to stop Labour implementing the Sex Tax, charging hard-working families £500 just for ordinary nookie. Extra for oral.


Some observers have noted that Labour have never mentioned a sex tax but Conservative ministers have pointed out that “they would say that, wouldn’t they?” which is surprisingly difficult to counter.


‘We believe in personal choice but Labour want you to eat broccoli and whack yourself off to the sound of D-Ream’, a spokesman said. ‘They want to tax meat until only the rich can afford it whereas we want to import diseased meat which everyone can afford’.


Other vote-winning policies include frisking schoolchildren for their mobile phones to stop them calling the emergency services when the building collapses. ‘Being crushed by tons of concrete is character-building, never did me any harm’ said one minister, before quietly enquiring whether there would be ‘openings’ for freelance friskers.




How to make millions AND put crazy-rich arseholes in prison



An enterprise from Cambridge has won 'best newcomer' at the International Business Awards. Holly Carter, founder of TA-x, explained the complexities of her innovative business model: 'Tax accountants are never prosecuted or sent to jail. Unless it is embezzlement of their client's money, they are protected under the law. But their clients can be prosecuted, even if they are completely unaware of what crafty tax avoidance mechanisms their accountant is employing. Also, tax accountants get paid a f*cking fortune. 'The innovation I came up with was to attract a whole load of filthy rich clients by convincing them I could save them more tax than anyone else by using an exclusive new system I have developed called SFA-x. It sounds so bewilderingly complex, that clients pretend they understand it, but have no idea what the hell is going on. They are crazy-rich thickos who hate saying they don't understand something, so they just nod and go "yah, yah" to everything I say. 'I take a ludicrously large retainer fee, and the genius part is what I do next. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not a sausage. When investigated, I get off scot-free, and they all get banged up. So it's a win-win scenario where I retire to the Cayman Islands as a 24-year-old millionaire, and cheating, rotten wankholes who sold their own grannies to make a quick buck, are left to rot in jail for not paying their fair share of taxes. 'If other accountants globally all used my method at the same time, the planet-destroying ruling classes would be overthrown, evaded taxes would be recouped, and the rest of us would all be saved.'




bottom of page