How to make millions AND put crazy-rich arseholes in prison

An enterprise from Cambridge has won 'best newcomer' at the International Business Awards. Holly Carter, founder of TA-x, explained the complexities of her innovative business model: 'Tax accountants are never prosecuted or sent to jail. Unless it is embezzlement of their client's money, they are protected under the law. But their clients can be prosecuted, even if they are completely unaware of what crafty tax avoidance mechanisms their accountant is employing. Also, tax accountants get paid a f*cking fortune. 'The innovation I came up with was to attract a whole load of filthy rich clients by convincing them I could save them more tax than anyone else by using an exclusive new system I have developed called SFA-x. It sounds so bewilderingly complex, that clients pretend they understand it, but have no idea what the hell is going on. They are crazy-rich thickos who hate saying they don't understand something, so they just nod and go "yah, yah" to everything I say. 'I take a ludicrously large retainer fee, and the genius part is what I do next. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not a sausage. When investigated, I get off scot-free, and they all get banged up. So it's a win-win scenario where I retire to the Cayman Islands as a 24-year-old millionaire, and cheating, rotten wankholes who sold their own grannies to make a quick buck, are left to rot in jail for not paying their fair share of taxes. 'If other accountants globally all used my method at the same time, the planet-destroying ruling classes would be overthrown, evaded taxes would be recouped, and the rest of us would all be saved.'

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Government introduces new P.O.O.R. tax.

As rising prices make even basic necessities unaffordable to anyone on a low income, the government has announced plans for a new ‘Purchase Of Ordinary Requisites’ (P.O.O.R.) tax, which will add 100% to the cost of many everyday items. A government spokesb@stard said, “There seems to be some confusion among those on low pay, which leads them to believe that despite their reluctance to earn a decent wage, they should still be entitled to a basic standard of living. This new tax will make life easier for them, by making it obvious that they must do without certain items if they are too lazy to earn enough money to pay for them.” Some of the items which will be subject to the new 100% P.O.O.R. tax are: Cheese: This used to be considered as an affordable basic foodstuff, but the price of cheese has rocketed in recent months. Traditionally, cheese was an essential ingredient of a Ploughman’s Lunch, but with the addition of the P.O.O.R. tax to the already high price of cheese, ploughmen and other agricultural labourers will have to make do with nothing but a thin scraping of cheap margarine on their sandwiches. The government advises those who cannot afford cheese to eat cake, although a small allowance of Dairylea is being considered for anyone who is willing to pick fruit. Energy: The government believes that poor people don’t need gas or electricity, reasoning that if they can’t afford to buy food, they won’t need to use energy for cooking. As lack of food causes low blood sugar which leads to symptoms such as sweating, they won’t need energy for heating, either. Holidays: The government regards holidays as an unnecessary extravagance for anyone who isn’t a Tory MP. Even a rainy weekend in a caravan in Skegness is too much of a luxury for minimum wage earning plebs. Housing: Rising mortgage interest rates and high rents are making it too expensive for many people to afford a home. The government advises those who don’t earn enough to keep a roof over their head to live in a tent. Unfortunately, as tents are classed as an item which could be used on a camping holiday, they will be subject to the 100% P.O.O.R. tax which applies to holidays. Just in case the P.O.O.R. tax doesn’t succeed in making those who are already struggling financially totally miserable, the government is also planning to employ ‘Sunshine, Mirth, Infectious Laughter and Enjoyment’ (S.M.I.L.E.) Wardens, who will impose on-the-spot fines on anyone on a low income who still looks happy.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stevepb-282134/

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£8m for King's portrait. Prince Andrew's mugshot? Priceless.

Forced to fund pictures of King Charles, the tax payer may be wondering if there were better bargains to be had. Paintings of Princess Margaret's Tindr profile, Fergie's toe job or Prince Harry dressed as a Nazi, from his pre-woke years.

Instead of having Charles' gurning mug adorning every cub scout hall, they could have had Prince Andrew, with the phone number for Childline. Even just a racist slogan to immortalise Prince Phillip's contribution to harmless banter.

Meanwhile portraits of the late Queen will be ceremonially burned, along with the evidence of her tax avoidance. Said one serf: '£8m to reminder the masses that he is superior? I guess its cheaper than paying for a blue tick on Twitter.'

Image: Pixabay/PixelAnarchy