Fast food joint: 'Your heart disease looks exactly like the photo'

A generic burger chain’s terrifying cartoon mascot has fired back against criticisms that its food looks nothing like the adverts.

'Calling us a fast food restaurant leaves the word "restaurant" doing a lot of heavy lifting - much like the chairs in our outlets have to.'

'Of course your burger looks nothing like the one in the portrait - that's the burger of Dorian Gray. Our employees earn minimum wage. Our food has minimal nutritional content. Remember the horse meat scandal? At least that was meat.'

'Your chubby children belong to us now. Our free toys, empty calories and sugary drinks have seduced them. Maybe your self-respect is hiding underneath your second extra large portion of chips. No? Third portion's the charm.'

'Don’t worry, our food won't kill you - not immediately. Eat up!'

Photo by Tetiana Shevereva on Unsplash

Leicester man makes 7000 mile round-trip to collect Friday night curry

Steven Kirk from Leicester got more than he bargained for when he used the satnav in his new car for the first time, because instead of it directing him to the local tandoori restaurant he ended up 3500 miles away in New York!

'I just wanted to check it out, you know, boys toys and all that, so I said to my wife I'll just nip down the curry house to get our weekly curry. But ninety minutes after leaving home I was still nowhere near the restaurant.

'When I found myself driving through St Albans it did seem rather odd however I was just following the satnav woman's directions.

'Next she said "proceed to Gatwick and buy an airline ticket for New York JFK". I know it sounds silly now, but I mean computers are always right aren't they, so that's what I did,' Steve explained.

'My wife, wasn't too best pleased when eventually I called her from New York to tell her where I was. She had the wine ready and the plates warming. I didn't half get a good ear-bashing when I got home the next day.'

When asked if it hadn't occurred to him that something was wrong with the device, he said: 'Well, not really, you see the car's brand new.'

Now counting the cost of a trip that's set him back a cool £4000 rueful Steve admitted, ‘I think I'll maybe walk to the curry house next time.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mikes-photography-1860391/

Shelves shelved as man's DIY project no match for snooker

Luke Lyle should have put up some shelves over the bank holiday weekend, but became hypnotised by coverage of the World Snooker Championship.

'I only switched it on to check the latest scores. The next thing I knew it was Monday night, John Virgo was narrating my inner monologue and I was surrounded by take away containers, empty beer cans and a sense of melancholy at what might have been. Where is the cue ball going?'

Girlfriend Tara Taylor was disappointed but not surprised. 'Our relationship was as rocky as Judd Trump's long game at the start of the final. Oh my god, a snooker analogy? What have I become? I'm going to end things with Luke, go outside, get some daylight. Metaphorically, that set of unbuilt shelves is doing some heavy lifting.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mastertux-470906/