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New measures are to be implemented to deal with SUV owners that consider off roading to be going up a gravel drive or parking on the pavement with hazards on.
Each time a new owner purchases an SUV, they will be assessed on whether they legitimately require the ground clearance, massive tyres or powerful engine. If they do not meet the requirements, additional tasks will be added to rectify this or they will have a massive additional tax applied. Or both, depending on their attitude.
The result is that their phone number will be given to all farmers who can call them any time during the day to get them to drive up a hillside to bring down a dead sheep. Other jobs include taking a poorly calf to the vet, relocating manure and dragging fallen trees off roads in the rain.
Farmers are allowed to laugh at alloys cracking and stupidly thin tyres being destroyed. As the Unnecessary Sports Utility Vehicle Zone (USUVZ) is now the whole of the UK, many Scottish farmers are expected to call central London users at 3am most nights.
In an audacious plan to revive his flagging popularity, the Prime Minister has announced that from tomorrow morning, all parent and child parking spaces, along with the ones allocated to the disabled, will become SUV only parking spaces.
We asked for clarification about the motivation for this move, but the civil servant we spoke to told us if we could ask her again in a few hours time, she'd be able to lets us know whether it was more than her job's worth to answer honestly. or if in a few hour's time, she was in receipt of her P45, she'd be keen to discover if her story was worth a few bob, or at least enough to be able to afford a bag of yellow-labelled pasta to feed her kids with.
Deirdrie Spigot, the civil servant we spoke to, who asked that we didn't reveal her name, but we felt obliged to when Rupert Murdoch expressed an interest in adding Newsbiscuit to his portfiloio, told us she thought is a bloody disgrace that she will now has to wheel her elderly mother from the far side of the supermarket car park to discover that her mother had forgotten what she wanted to go to the supermarket for, but enjoys shouting obscenities at people she suspects own SUVs told us she is hopeful the insanity of current government policy might end with the demise of the current leader, but is fearful of Insanity 2.0, Johnson is replaced with anyone from the cabinet.
Deirdrie's husband however, applauded the decision as the most sensible thing a government has ever done. "At last I can park my SUV in a parking space and be able to open the doors" he said.
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