Clarkson has heart fitted

TV personality, farmer, and spokesman for Wrangler Jeans Jeremy Clarkson revealed today he recently underwent a heart procedure, resulting in him having one fitted.

Speaking at his Oxfordshire farm, the advocate of global warming gave anxious fans an update on his condition, telling them all, "I first noticed something when we filmed with the piglets. The emotion of the situation gave me a numbness in my arm and a hollow feeling in my chest.

'Thinking it might be a brewing coronary, we ended up at hospital and a quick scan showed I actually suffer from stannum homini. I'm just so grateful that an absolute wizard of a cardiologist was there and able to fit me with a heart so I can now do things like walk on my land and enjoy Terms of Endearment.'

At the John Radcliffe hospital, lead specialist Professor Oscar Diggs elaborated on the star's treatment. "Fortunately for Mr Clarkson," he said, "with Oxfordshire being such a Tory stronghold, we are specialists in this ailment and the absence of hearts generally.

'This was stage two stannum homini, where symptoms can include writing for a right-wing newspaper, calling things you don't like 'woke' and believing your ideas are 'just common sense. Thankfully for him, he hadn't hit the later stages, so we have saved him from classic Conservative maladies like running for parliament, becoming prime minister and introducing emergency budgets."

Photo by Natanael Melchor on Unsplash

Streeting: Unemployed to be given Brazilian Butt Lift

Following on from the weight loss jab, the unemployed will also be given their own personal butt-cushion to aid with office work.

A Health Spokesman declared: ‘The greatest barrier to people rejoined the workplace, is the lack of appropriate furniture. A good butt augmentation will mean comfortable seating, a really big gluteal Implant means we can do away with the chair altogether. We want the unemployed to get off their ar$e, so they can get back on their ar$Ee. Ideally the perfect employee will be skinny, with an enormous butt and lip fillers – so they can kiss ar$e.

‘And If you are serious about your job, we suggest you also consider breast augmentation – regardless of if you are male or female -because, without a desk, you will need somewhere to rest your keyboard.’

Woman can’t decide between holiday in Monaco, or a boob job. Monte-Carlo or bust?

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