One of the country’s large supermarket chains is making new efforts to lure in shoppers looking for bargains.
‘We know that life is tough,’ said a spokeman. ‘Our bills are going up all the time and its probably the same for our customers.
‘We are adjusting our retail proposition to reflect how tough things are. Shoppers need bargains. There’s no loyalty any more. Cheapest sausage wins.
‘Our re-modelled stores will strongly signal our value-led proposition. The stores will be cold, so wear a thick coat. Or buy one on the way round. The lights will be dim, so you can’t read the small print on your ultra-processed ready meals. Tinned goods will have foreign labels, which makes them look cheap straight away. Our fruit and veg will have a homely, no-nonsense, kicked-about-a-bit vibe.
‘As shoppers can’t afford real food, we will have pallets of cheap stuff – strange rubbery sweets, off brand chocolates, Bulgarian lager and unusually flavoured potato-based snack substitutes. We will show that the stuff is cheap by selling it straight from the cardboard boxes. We can’t afford to pay staff to put stuff on shelves any more.
‘We don’t want to embarrass our customers about things they can’t afford, so we will be removing 'aspirational' products. That’s basically anything that Waitrose sells.
‘We are going back to basics - booze, pastry, stodge and fat. We are targeting shoppers with a BMI over 30, or a family BMI over 120. These people eat more stuff and they buy more stuff, so it makes commercial sense. Skinny dieters can buy our overpriced slimming meals if they want, but they aren’t a key demographic for us any more.
‘We will also be reducing in store cleaning, to make the shops a bit dirtier, so it looks like we are making savings too. Puddles of stuff in the aisles will make shopping a bit more of an adventure. We will also be hiring more unkempt and slightly threatening staff - so customers know we don't waste money on them. We will be retain the customer support desks, but we won’t be staffing them.
‘Finally, I’d like to talk about pricing. Some people have suggested that a ‘value’ offer should include lower prices. Given that the government has massively increased our wage bill and property costs, I must make it clear that the one thing we won't be doing is cutting prices. We will, in fact, be raising prices, with the aim of fuelling inflation and teaching the government a solid lesson in basic economics.’
image from pixabay
