14-year-old experiences strange new sensation called hope

A 14 year-old girl from Cheshire approached her mother this morning after experiencing strange new feelings she had never felt before.

Josy Hinde from Crewe told her mum, 'Since I woke up on Friday morning, I've been feeling really odd. I feel like a darkness has lifted, and the corners of my mouth sort of turned up a bit. Now and then, I catch myself humming. I'm really scared, mum. What's wrong with me?'

'Don't worry, love,' replied her mum. 'It's something called hope. No one under the age of 15 will have felt it before. But now many of you will. Some people have been going around taking everyone's hope for the future from them and saying it's impossible to do good things because it would cost too much. But it was never true. It was always possible, they just thrived off making everyone else scared and miserable like themselves. No one can explain it, but they were absolutely adamant that the children weren't our future.'

'Do I need to see a doctor?'

'Nah, you'll be fine, Jose. When the corners of your mouth turn up like that, it's called happiness. I know it feels weird at first, but it's a good thing. Speak to your friends at school about it, and you can help each other adjust.'

Photo by Barth Bailey on Unsplash

Sunak 'really regrets' not extending Rwanda law

A spokesman for the current Prime Minister, which at the time of writing is still, unbelievably, understood to be Rishi Sunak has confirmed that the PM has expressed real regrets over the timing of his General Election announcement last month.

'With the roaring success of declaring Rwanda a safe place he now realises that he should have gone for the Columbo supplementary statement - just one more thing before I go to the polls - and should have written that all six hundred or so constituencies up and down the country were also, in the eyes of the law, safe.  Seats that is, for Tory candidates.

'He believes we could have gone for the five-week election run-up, cared not one jot if he inadvertently handed the opposition a free pass through screwing up his campaign (known to happen), then after the count install Tory candidates in every constituency safe seat regardless of the vote.

'He knows it might seem undemocratic, but surely no more undemocratic than the Rwanda is officially safe scam, sorry, scheme but once completed there wouldn't be anyone left in opposition to stop him formalising it,' said the spokesman, adding, 'actually, we think he believes he did all of this.  I'd bet on it.  Ooops'

Badenoch and Sunak to become Dr Who villains

After the Daleks, the Cybermen and the Weeping Angels, the next alien species set to do battle with Dr Who will be the Tories.

There has been foreshadowing of the Tories’ arrival, as Conservatives have previously claimed that most young white men had turned to a life of crime as a direct result of Dr Who being played by a woman and then by a black man. More recently Kemi Badenoch and Rishi Sunak have now been throwing wild haymakers in the press towards former Dr Who actor David Tennant - all part of a guerrilla marketing campaign.

However, one long-time Dr Who fan grumbled 'It makes sense with all those soon-to-be-unemployed Tory MPs as extras, but the Daleks were already based on the Nazis, so how are the Tories different?'

Image: QuinBenson - Pixabay

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