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Druids, hippies and other essential workers have reacted with dismay after the government postponed summer solstice until November.
A government spokesman explained, 'Summer is a really difficult time for such a major festival; many staff are away for their summer breaks. It greatly simplifies traffic management to move the date until a much quieter time of year. In addition, I thought that druids would welcome not having to get up at 3 O'clock in the morning.
Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, who was recently knighted for disservice to the Realm, criticised the delay. 'I've always abhorred civil servants having any kind of holiday,' said Rees-Mogg's absent shadow. 'But if they do insist on it, why don't they simply buy a holiday home or two in the southern hemisphere so they've got somewhere warm to pop off to?'
It’s a perennial summer menace – bands of roaming musicians, often coked-up or off their heads on LSD, disturbing the peace in otherwise idyllic parkland settings.
Jerry (not his real name) plays second euphonium in a band in Warrington. He’s been in and out of rehab since his fifties. ‘I just got carried away by the general madness,' he told reporters. ‘When you’re out marching, well, a bit of Colombian marching powder just helps. That euph gets pretty heavy after a while.'
Traffic was brought to a standstill in Wigan yesterday when a runaway trombone section, tripping out on magic mushrooms, appeared to think they were woodland creatures basking in the sunshine and set up camp on a traffic island.
‘It happens every year,' a police officer told us with a sigh. ‘God knows where they find magic mushrooms in Wigan. I reckon they’re growing them on their allotments. It isn’t just the music, it’s the wanton acts of violence, the groupies – it’s carnage, really.
'Police have launched a poster campaign for drug dealers:
STOP!
Is that person wearing a fancy tunic with gold braid? He might be a bandsman
Selling him drugs harms YOUR community
Sell them to a kiddie instead
If this doesn’t work we’ll all just have to wait for the rain to return and hope that they never learn to laminate their music.'
photo: https://pixabay.com/users/e1st0rm-22590062/
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