Sue Gray concludes: It's not a party without a conga line

The investigation proved that it was impossible to have a party without streamers and at least one girl crying on a staircase, mumbling something about all men are bastards. 'The gatherings that the PM and Keir Starmer attended were in no way parties. Mainly because no self respecting party would invite those two.

'For it to be considered a halfway decent party, there needs to be jelly and tequila shots. No one sung 'My Way'. And not one person chundered in the Downing Street shrubbery.

'The only feature that this has in common with a normal party, is that no one can remember any of the details'.

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Exclusive - Sue Gray forced to complete her report in Coventry monastery cloister

Friends of Sue Gray have told Newsbiscuit that for the past five months, senior civil servant Sue Gray has been holed up in a nondescript cloister in the ruins of St Mary's Priory in Coventry.

Stoic Sue Gray is said to have stood up quite well to being sent to Coventry to do her work and a significant part of the report is believed to include findings that were missed by Time Team experts when they conducted a dig at the site in 1999 that revealed the ruins.

Whilst she not known as a historian or archaeologist, it is believed that Sue Gray's extensive knowledge of how modern government works has enabled her to have a greater insight into the medieval period than most archaeologists will have had.

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Her Royal Highness, Sue Gray, admits to meeting with Boris Johnson on a number of ocassions

A spokesman for senior, but otherwise ordinary civil servant Sue Gray has admitted she met with Prime Minister Boris Johnson on a number of occasions.

Ms Gray, the country's top civil servant, met the Prime Minister a couple of weeks ago and insisted that the Sue Gray report would be issued without any edits.

He said that in a subsequent meeting, Sue Gray, MBE insisted that the majority of the details would be provided without redaction. After a further meeting, according to the spokesman, Sue Gray OBE would consider some edits but it wasn't until the Prime Minister met Lady Gray did she agree to let the government advise on edits, but didn't commit to agreeing to any of them.

He said that Her Royal Highness, Queen Sue Gray, VC, DSC, DCMG has determined that she is way too busy to issue the report and has agreed to knight Sir Boris Johnson at the earliest opportunity.