New 16 - 18 options rolled out by the government

In an attempt to gain younger potential voters the government has rolled out some new initiatives.

'We've stopped the under 18s from buying lottery tickets - and why not, they're hardly likely to use their winnings to bankroll the Tory party,' said a government minister today. 'We've also stopped them buying and smoking cigarettes or vape products until their 18th birthday - and any check on the high street will confirm what an effective rule that is,' he added, puffing his chest out.

'Drinking beer is a long standing privilege for over-18s, also ruthlessly observed. And what's all this getting married before you're 18 all about, eh? There's no way a 16 or 17 year old can be relied on to raise a child, keep a household, hold down a job and bankroll the Tory party. That's off the cards now, too. 'So now you can see Rishi's masterplan. No lottery, no smoking, no vaping, no drinking and definitely no marrying. What is there left to do between their 16th and 18th birthday? Maths, that's what. What else could they legally do other than maths? What was that? Shagging? Really? Instead of calculus? You really are out of touch, son.'

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Teacher finally concludes whose time was wasted

Brendan Leach, a school maths teacher for twenty-three years has finally worked out that, actually, it was his own time he'd been wasting.

'Teacher training consisted of three years learning when it was appropriate to touch a student - never - and to learn parrot-fashion how to conclude "it's your time you're wasting". There was a bit about Pythagoras, decimal multiplication and fractions, but nothing about the real tools for teaching, such as the "spoon of learning",' he said today.

'The "spoon of learning" is the only way to achieve grade A* results that allow the school to keep its funding and teachers their sanity,' he added. He demonstrated by pulling a spoon out of his tweed jacket's top pocket and inserting it in your reporter's mouth. 'That traditionally is how you get a C,' he said. Holding the spoon away from the reporter he added, 'and if you wanted to get a B, in the old days, students would have to walk towards the spoon, do some of the work'. Popping the spoon in his top pocket he declared that in a 'fair and just society, those who wanted an A grade would bring their own spoon'.

'But today they don't need their own spoon, don't need to walk towards yours and if the teacher doesn't ram it down their little gullets he or she gets the sack,' he said. 'So, they can waste all the time they like, and still end up with qualifications that would have been unbelievable twenty years ago and could get any high-flying job they fancied as long as they had the gift of the gab and friends in the right places' he added.

Eton School was unavailable for comment.

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Apathetic student applies for no interest loan

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