Students brand degree in Velcro Technology a rip-off

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EU offers to take all UK under-30s off our hands

In a generous offer that marks the end of the post-Brexit breakdown of relations, the EU has offered to take off our hands all the productive young people in the UK who have any sort of initiative about them. Any person under 30, if they can find a job or a course in the EU, will be allowed visa-free travel to participating EU states for four years. The visa will then be converted into permanent residence if they prove useful enough to earn a moderate salary. We can have back the useless, lazy ones.

Older generations of UK citizens, many of whom voted for Brexit, will not be allowed to take up this offer. They will be left in a country with a shortage of young people and increasing healthcare costs. Rather cleverly then, the EU's long-term plan to centralise economic activity on the mainland will be achieved despite Brexit.

Pretending, with a straight face, that this is a benefit to the UK, the EU is proposing that we repay their generosity by educating their students at subsidised rates. EU students who struggle to get places on the mainland will be encouraged to move to this damp and windy island to take up university courses at UK taxpayers expense. This will serve to boost our vital university sector, which by itself makes the whole plan an excellent idea and likely to go through on the nod.

All GCSE students to get £20k accommodation grant

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