Unions' Christmas charity single - The Twelve Days of Staggered Walkouts

It has just been announced that union reps and the workers they represent will record a modern version of a Christmas classic in order to raise money for people currently suffering with the cost-of-living crisis.

If you'd like to sing along when you hear it on the radio or at your local picket line, here are your lyrics:

The Twelve Days of Staggered Walkouts

On the first day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

A vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the second day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the third day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the fourth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the fifth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the sixth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the seventh day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Seven deadly sins

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the eighth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Eight feelings sinking

Seven deadly sins

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the ninth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Nine heaters heating

Eight feelings sinking

Seven deadly sins

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the tenth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Ten people tweeting

Nine heaters heating

Eight feelings sinking

Seven deadly sins

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the eleventh day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Eleven police policing

Ten people tweeting

Nine heaters heating

Eight feelings sinking

Seven deadly sins

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the twelfth day of staggered walkouts

My manager gave to me

My P45

Image: E F Corcoran Photos | FreeImages

First published 4 Dec 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Keir drafts his ‘100 day achievements’ list

Keir is expecting to reach his one hundredth day as Prime Minister very soon, so he’s working on his list of achievements.   This will enable his press office to feed an easy story to lazy journalists. The draft list looks like this:

DO MENTION

Great Olympics and great Paralympics – all those gold medals really show what we can do as a nation – and not a penny of taxpayers’ money spent. Thank god for the national lottery (and sponsorship from Aldi).

Sorting out the mess of Tory strikes – I’ve taken difficult decisions and driven a hard bargain with the rail unions. I’ve given the NHS a shot in the arm by settling pay disputes there. (Note to self: ignore any questions about where the money is coming from. Use the ‘broadest shoulders’ line. Don’t mention 14.5% or 22.4% pay increases, as those numbers sound big.)

Sorting out the mess of Tory riots – I’ve been tough on civil disorder and banged up lots of right-wing voters. (Note: blame early prisoner releases on the Tories)

I’m sorting out the Tories economic legacy.   Aldi, Lidl and Poundland are all opening new stores – proper shops, selling useful stuff (must check to see if these stores are owned by foreigners).   And I’ve agreed to bung Tata Steel half a billion to appease the steel unions. Difficult decisions!  (Don’t mention the increase in first class post.  £1.65 FFS.  Remember to ask a donor to buy stamps for Christmas cards before prices go up.   2,000 stamps should do it? Avoid talking about the budget – that is going to be a real downer.  Good idea to delay the budget until after the first 100 days. 

MENTION IF ASKED

I have sorted out the Tory mess of anti-Semitism in the Labour Party.  I strongly support Israel’s right to defend itself on even dates.  On odd dates, I wring my hands about civilian casualties. (Don’t mention weapons sales to Israel)

Larry the Cat is an outdated hangover from the previous administration, and I’ve taken the difficult decision to bring in a young, energetic and more left-wing cat.

I’ve taken the difficult decision to take away the winter fuel payment from rich, right-wing voters who don’t need it. To everyone who voted for change, this is a change.  Buy thicker vests, for goodness sake. Remember that I have kept my promise on the triple lock.   So far.

DON’T MENTION

Free clothes. Frocks for Victoria costing £5,000. Not on my credit card! (People will say I'm in the pockets of the unions, when I'm actually in the Y fronts of the unions.)

Jeremy Corbyn or Diane Abbott – there’s always something else with them.  Why does she think she's a non-person?

Ukraine using British tanks to invade Russia. Jesus.

Finally finding the time to sort out my Pokémon card collection.

Picture credit: Wix AI

ASLEF rejects offer of moon because 'stick not fancy enough'

The trade union which represents eastern train drivers and western cingulata wranglers is not satisfied, continuing to threaten an escalation in strike action, and armadillos everywhere.

'It's not about the money,' said negotiators who had just been granted a 14% pay increase. 'It's about management receiving more money.

'Our demands are simple and clear. We want sweeties, world peace, and exclusive access to the best rides at Alton Towers. Otherwise it will be chaos, carnage, and a refusal to put on our shoes.

'And if the moon doesn't come on a stick with floaty ribbons and jingly bells, then our members will do that thing where we lie on our sides on the floor in Tesco, scream like banshees, and propel ourselves in circles with our feet.'

Image: photo-graphe - Pixabay