‘Government could be forced to withhold hand-claps unless nurses get back to work’ warns Barclay

Health Secretary Steven Barclay has warned NHS workers they risk losing any future accolades and hand-claps of appreciation unless they end their pay dispute and get back to work immediately.

NHS staff should concentrate on saving people's lives and not waste their time standing on picket lines in the hope that government ministers might be listening to their unfair demands.

Barclay also warned front line staff that the Government was considering taking back all the hand-claps and saucepan bangs they received during lockdown.

‘Tens of thousands of ambulance workers, call handlers, paramedics, nurses and doctors could all be stripped of those hard won hand-claps,’ sneered a Department of Health spokes-Scrooge. ‘All that banging on saucepans, Boris standing on the doorstep of Number 10 beating his wok, showering workers with thanks for saving the nation …it will all have been for nothing. And what do they hope to gain from strike action? A few extra pounds in their pay-packets? Shorter working hours? Investment in the NHS? Reduced waiting times at A&E? Are they really prepared to lose all those wonderful hand-claps just for that? Christmas might well be the time for giving, but nurses will get nothing from us'.

First published 26 Dec 2022

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Regeneration of junior doctors to be rolled out across NHS

Junior doctors will be expected to routinely travel through time and will work until they are at least 1500 years old, Health Secretary Steve Barclay announced today. The policy announcement comes after Barclay uncovered a successful regeneration scheme for medical staff, codenamed Doctor Who, running since 1963, at the Gallifrey NHS Foundation Trust near Liverpool.

'The abilities to distort time, communicate via telepathy, and to transform into a spanking new doctor when you reach the age of around 750 is vital to our goal of providing a full-service, competitive 21st century health service', announced Barclay. 'Project TimeLord will just formalise practices which we already impose on our junior doctors - the expectation that they can be in two places at once as a result of huge staff shortages, for example’.

‘The poor sods will be too busy with crippling workloads, complex, multi-layered plot lines and chasing down Daleks that they won’t notice the 25% real pay cut we've imposed on them over the last decade. Our patient data shows incredibly high satisfaction with all 13 time-travelling doctors to date…with the exception, of course, of Sylvester McCoy’ said Barclay.

Barclay is thought to be particularly impressed with the Doctors' physical characteristic of having 2 hearts, which compensates for him being a heartless b@*tard himself.

Doctor Woman Professional - Free photo on Pixabay

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