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Antiques Roadshow to go ahead without presenters



Sunday evening snooze-fest the Antiques Roadshow will go ahead without any presenters or expert summarisers, much to the faux-delight of people who clearly never watch it anyway. This is because Fiona Bruce is taking an enforced step back, much like she has received a one-off punch in the face from Stanley Johnson, shortly to become Sir Stanley Johnson.


Tara Taylor said ‘My granny left me this hideous figurine of a woman.’


Surrounded by an all-white crowd of pensioners, Taylor continued ‘I wanted the expert to estimate such a high value that this lot would gasp, or at least go ‘oooo’. I’d even practised pretending that I wouldn’t immediately put it on e-bay. The figurine’s nose is a bit broken, much like she has received a one-off punch in the face from Stanley Johnson, shortly to become Sir Stanley Johnson.’




Who's an ennobled boy then, as Boris honours his dog



A row is brewing following reports that in his resignation honours nominations, Boris Johnson, has nominated his dog Dilyn for the post of Most Munificent and Mighty Pet Tsar.


The appointment is being seen as all the more odd because no such position currently exists. Nevertheless, sources close to the blundering buffoon say the pooch's name is definitely on the list.


One commented: 'Boris is rather fond of the little chap and feels the golden kennel and diamond-encrusted collar he's demanding accompany the title, will be a well-deserved reward for being a dog. As a matter of fact, Boris has further requested the world's largest diamond, The Koh-i-Noor, be removed from the crown jewels and given pride of place in the collar.'


The source clarified that on the leaked honours list, where it says "Patrick Stanley Johnson" at the top, it should of course, have read "Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson". 'We all know Boris doesn't do detail, hence the Northern Ireland Protocol, Brexit in general and his list of children in Wikipedia.'


When asked if perhaps Mr. Johnson might be showing signs of advanced megalomania, the source replied. 'No not at all. If this kind of thing was good enough for Caligula, then why not for World King Boris?'


H/T: throngsman








Johnson senior to head up research in to distance apples fall from trees

Updated: Nov 28, 2021


The Labour Party has expressed outrage that Stanley Johnson, father of the Prime Minister, has been awarded a contract to head up research into how far apples fall from trees.


'It's a travesty and a complete waste of public money,' said a Labour spokesman today, 'because we all know the distance an apple can fall is strictly limited by the tree height, the acceleration due to gravity and the frictional coefficient of grass. Newton could have answered this question in the Seventeenth Century, and Johnson senior could have asked him himself had he gone to the right schools.'


Other objectors think the physics angle is the wrong issue. 'It's not about the science, it's about the lack of opportunity for others better qualified to apply,' said a Lib Dem spokesman. 'There was no job advert, no interview and no attempt to set an appropriate wage for the job,' he said.


A spokesman for the Prime Minister's father disagreed with all the complaints. 'Mr Johnson is too busy to respond directly as he needs to ensure he has suitable administrative support. He's sleeping with a couple of applicants this afternoon and if the blue pill works he'll be sleeping with a couple more this evening before making his decision,' he said.






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