The NewsBiscuit guide to Rugby

Saturday sees the start of the 2021 Autumn Internationals, where the three ‘home nations’ – and Wales – will rugby against bigger and better rugbiers from the southern hemisphere to prove that we’re still not as good as them.

However, despite ‘fans’ confidently demanding that they do, no-one actually understands what is happening.

So, our in-house rugby expert, Hugo ‘Binky-Balls’ Hertfordshire-Pyle has produced a handy guide to help you pretend to understand the rules too.

The Game

Rugby was invented at the school which gave the sport its name – Harrow. The object of the game is for each team to rugby their way up the pitch to their opponents’ line and fall over while holding the ball. This is called a ‘try’. But it’s not as easy as it sounds! The opposing rugbiers will attempt to stop this happening by physically assaulting the person with the ball and knocking him/her to the ground.

If someone does score a try, they are then allowed to attempt kicking the ball towards the big H at the end of the pitch before a helicopter lands on it.

Players must run backwards but ensure they pass the ball forwards - if they fail to do this, they are subjected to a ritual debagging.

The Scrum

Rugby is famously a gentleman’s sport, where respect is of utmost importance. As such at various intervals in the game, play will stop to allow the eight fattest players on each team have a manly or womanly group hug. Lots of Vaseline is used.

Positions

Quite possibly you’ll have heard television commentators mention the strange names for rugby playing positions, such as prop, hooker, bingo, whinger, Barney McGrew, rabber-dabber, scrum-half, and gezuntheit. Below are explanations for the most important of these.

Prop. A fat simpleton, so-called because those playing in the position were said to 'have the brains and speed of a theatre prop.’

Hooker. A fat and deeply unpopular player who is only allowed on the team if he/she gives sexual favours to the coach.

Fly-half. A pretty boy/glamour girl who thinks they’re God. Will often be heard shouting ‘not the face’ in the vicinity of a tackle.

Whinger. A slight person who runs away from the big boys and girls. So called because he/she stands on the side of the pitch always moaning “It’s not fair; throw the ball to me!”

The Silent Raver. This is person not dressed in any of the teams’ colours and doesn’t touch the ball. They will stand beside the scrum and other fights, usually dressed in fluorescent rave garb, making rave hand signals, and blowing a whistle.

With this handy guide, you will now be able to convince others that you know what rugby is all about. Just remember to wear the uniform: your favourite team’s shirt with a pair of red trousers, sand coloured Caterpillar boots, a donkey jacket, a pint of warm beer, and an obnoxious demeanour.

Image: jackmac34 | Pixabay

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'Who could have predicted trouble from this drunken, angry mob?' says Met Police

“We were shocked by the scenes of mayhem in central London and outside Wembley on Sunday evening,” a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police told reporters.

“How were we to know that large groups of football fans, who had been drinking solidly since early morning, might turn rowdy after England lost and take out their rage on opposition supporters? We are not clairvoyants.

“And how were we to know that mobs of chavs without match tickets might decide to swarm past security into Wembley stadium?

"I stress that the Met’s policy is to send large numbers of officers only to locations where we predict there will be disorder. And our officers told us that they didn’t expect any disorder in London on match day - on the grounds that they all wanted to sit and watch the game at home rather than to battle hundreds of drunken, angry thugs on a rainy Sunday evening.

“The Met finds it far easier in these dreadful cases to wait until all the trouble has died down and afterwards to issue pious lectures to the general public.

“However, all of us in the police have to accept that we, like Mr Southgate and his squad, have found our limits. From now on, we will give up any attempt to keep order at mass events or to stop central London from descending into anarchy. Instead, we will concentrate on the kind of thing we did so well during the lockdowns, such as arresting grieving women attending a vigil on Clapham Common.”

Southgate selects 26 goalkeepers

England football manager, Gareth Southgate, attracted criticism yesterday, as he announced the final England squad for the delayed 2020 Euros, which now contains 26 goalkeepers.

'I simply selected the best 26 footballers in the land", the England manager declared, as he defended his selection policy. "If I could have picked 27, I would have done'.

The squad's makeup heavily favours Southgate's preferred 0-0-0 formation, and kit sponsors, Nike, have provided replica goalkeeper jerseys, shorts and Peter Shilton 'Stopmaster' gloves.

Football pundits are pointing to low scoring England fixtures, whilst UEFA is currently investigating Southgate's controversial 'White helmets' formation for penalty shoot-outs.

The biggest problem facing Southgate was finding enough English goalkeepers to fill the 26 places. Luckily he was able to scout the lower leagues, handing the 26th place to Colin Collinson (55), part-time shot stopper of Hampshire's Barton Stacey Academicals. Collinson narrowly edged out local rival Magnus 'Nutmeg' Nutmegson of rivals. Spartak Red Star Andover 1860, who qualified for England selection after renouncing his Icelandic passport.

'These are nice problems to have", Southgate told a hungover sporting press. "Obviously, there will be a lot of competition for the number 1 shirt, especially with 25 other goalkeepers, but I think Collinson stands a great chance of being the first name on the sheet, especially as the number one shirt is the only XXL garment in the kit bag.'